


Clumsy

by SDTS



Category: Uncharted (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-08 21:47:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7774927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SDTS/pseuds/SDTS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are more than thrilled to finally be starting college. Not only are you going to your dream school but you are going for art. Everything is perfect - until a mix-up makes Rafe Adler your dorm roommate for the year. You tell yourself it is going to be fine...as long as you don't snap and completely lose your cool. (Smut in chapter five.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Orientation

You put way too much stuff in your backpack. At the time it had felt completely reasonable to put five paperback books in there, a tablet, a change of clothes and a notebook. Now, however, you want nothing more than to drop it to the floor.

            But you are almost at your dorm room. The flight here had gotten delayed and you are exhausted. The entire trip had taken twelve hours. Your other things had arrived yesterday and you are looking forward to ignoring the fact you have to unpack them and falling asleep.

            On top of feeling exhausted and wanting to burn your backpack, you can’t help but feel nervous. Being accepted to this college still hadn’t settled in. It was far away from home, at the base of the mountains. Everyone had to live on the campus because the closest town was over an hour away. It had been terrifying to think about moving so far but the art department here was amazing. You just could not pass this chance up.

            Orientation was tomorrow which gave you time to get settled into your dorm and fall asleep. Around you, everyone is arriving and heading towards their dorms. You had gotten your assignment last week and knew which building you were in. You had also memorized the location on the map and how to get there because you were so anxious about getting lost.

            Since it was fall, the leaves are changing colors and there is a chill in the air. Behind the campus are the mountains. Snowcapped and picturesque, they were unlike anything you have back home. A group of lost looking college freshman pass you by, talking to each other loudly. Did people know each other already? The idea of groups already being formed did nothing to quell your nerves.

            You have to admit that you were nervous about your roommate most of all. You have no information about them. They hadn’t reached out to you and you don’t even know their name. Some of your friends thought that meant you weren’t going to have one but you find that hard to believe. There is no way that you would get that lucky.

            You cut across a courtyard to the building near the back of the campus. It looks like it belongs in a postcard and you can’t believe that you live here now. Feeling giddy now, you step inside the main room.

            The woman behind the desk is swarmed with people all trying to get their rooms settled in. It is a co-ed dorm. Even though no one is going to be bunked with someone of the same gender, you still can’t believe you are going to be living with boys too.

            Getting your key takes another hour because they are so far behind. By this point, you just want to change into your comfy cat pajamas and fall asleep. Your nerves are frayed and you are exhausted plus a little jet lagged.

            It is with relief that you unlock your dorm room and step inside of it. It is a standard looking dorm room with two beds. Since you are here first, you pick the side you want and toss your backpack down on it with a groan of relief. You look out the single window the room and are happy to see you got lucky – you have a fantastic view of the mountains behind the campus.

            Your things are here, in boxes shoved against the wall. You rummage through them for your pajamas. When you find them, you are thrilled to slip into them. They smell like home and are comfortable. You stretch and decide that even though it is a bit early, you are going to head to bed. That’ll give you plenty of time to sleep before orientation tomorrow.

            You yank back the sheets and plop down into the bed. Your eyes are already closing when suddenly the door to your dorm room swings wide up. Alarmed, you sit up and exclaim in surprise.

            A man is standing in the doorway. Surprise crosses his features when he sees you. His eyes flick to the other bed and then he scowls.

            “Can I help you?” You ask him, “How did you get in here?”

            “I had a key.” He says to you and holds the key out as proof.

            “How did you get a key?”

            “I should be asking you that. There has obviously been some sort of mistake here.” He snaps.

            “Uh, no, I don’t think so. This is my room.”

            “It can’t be your room,” He gestures to you and then to himself, “Because it is my room.”

            “Well, it can’t be your room,” You say, trying not to grow annoyed, “They don’t have private rooms here.”

            “They do for me.” He says and lowers his suitcase.

            You glance at it and realize it is designer. That suitcase along could probably pay for your semester here. Great, so a rich, cocky asshole has just stormed into your dorm room. This is so not what you wanted to deal with today.

            You get out of bed and the man glances at you before saying, “What are you wearing?”

            Embarrassed, you remember you are wearing your cat pajamas. Wonderful. For the first time, you get a good look at the guy who has decided this is his dorm room. His hair is slicked back and he is wearing a long sleeved shirt with black pants. He looks as if he works out and is handsome enough – if he weren’t so clearly full of himself.

            “I was going to bed.”

            “Well, now you aren’t. We have to get you moved.”

            “Sorry, but I don’t even know who you are. I’m not moving because you seem to think this is your dorm room.”

            “This is the room that has been assigned to me therefore making it mine,” He is quickly losing his patience, “So, why don’t you change into something befitting someone your age and we can go get you moved?”

            You bristle at this and go, “Why don’t you stop being an asshole for like, one second?”

            His eyes narrow at you and you wonder if he is going to completely lose his cool. But then he forces a smile on his face – the phoniest smile you have seen in a long time.

            “You’re right. Long day. I’m Rafe,” He holds out his hand to you, “Adler.” He adds as if the name should mean something to you.

            You tell him your name and shake his hand. The handshake lasts for exactly two seconds – neither one of you are feeling very friendly.

            Rafe, still trying to keep his cool, goes, “Can you please change so we can go get this straightened out?”

            “Fine. Can you wait in the hallway?”

            It takes you only a minute to slip back into your clothes. Then the two of you are walking back down to the common room. Rafe explains what is going on to the RA who then leads the two of you to the main office to speak to the person in charge of the roommate assignments.

            As you wait, Rafe bounces his leg up and down. Even though he has been nice to everyone, you feel as if the person you first met back in the dorm room – the irritated and rude man – is actually who Rafe is. You are hoping to get this fixed as quickly as possible.

            After ten minutes, the two of you are in front of the director of the dorm rooms. She looks tired and listens as Rafe launches into his speech about how he was promised a private room here at campus because of how much his father has donated to the school. With every word, you dislike him more and more. Jesus, what an entitled little brat.

            When he finishes, the woman looks up something on the computer. With a sigh, she turns back to the two of you.

            “There has been a mix-up.”

            “Of course there has been.” Rafe says.

            The woman goes on, “You were listed as female by error in our system.”

            Rafe points to himself, “Obviously, I’m not a female.”

            “Well, you know, you probably shouldn’t assume someone’s gender just be looking at them.” You say and you take pleasure in seeing his eyes narrow in extreme annoyance towards you.

            “Even if I was,” He snaps, “It doesn’t change the fact that I am not supposed to have a roommate.”

            “I’m sorry, Mr. Adler, but my hands are tied. I can’t move you. Every single room in taken. We normally don’t allow coed dorm mates but it has happened in the past. You two are going to have to make the best of it.”

            “What?” The two of you exclaim in unison.

            “I am sorry but I just simply cannot give you a private room.”

            “Do you know just how much my father has donated to this college? Are you really going to make me call my family?”

            You roll your eyes at this. Rafe sees this and shakes his head.

            “No. No way. I am not bunking with her.”

            “Well, I don’t want to bunk with you either, Draco Malfoy, so settle down.”

            The woman looks at the two of you and says, “If you find someone willing to swap rooms, then you can transfer into another dorm to have another roommate. But until that happens, this is how it has to be. Mr. Adler, if your father is displeased with this, then please have him contact me.”

            “I sure will.” He says, standing up and stalking out of the room without another word.

            You glance at the woman, “Really?” is all you can say before you trail after him.

*

            The walk back to the dorm room is in stony silence. Rafe’s shoulders are taunt with tension as if this is the worst thing to ever happen to him in his entire life. Actually, it probably is. For the first time, he most likely isn’t getting his way. You secretly hope his dad does throw a fit so you can get out of the dorm room.

            When you get back to the room, Rafe’s stuff has been delivered. Since he had been assuming he had the room to himself, it is way too much stuff for a shared room.

            “Yeah, so half of this shit can go.” You say to him, not in the mood to be nice after he has been such a jerk.

            “Or you can clear your shit out and go.” Rafe replies hotly as you sit on your bed.

            You cross your arms, “You heard the woman. You’re stuck with me. What sort of sucker would switch with me? I’m pretty sure by the end of the week everyone will know you’re a dick. No one is going to swap with either one of us.”

            “No one has to switch because my father is going to take care of it.”

            “You sound twelve,” You reply, “Seriously. Are you sure you’re old enough to be in college? Don’t answer that. I’m going to bed.”

            “Well, I’m not going to bed.”

            “Just please stop talking so I can pretend you aren’t here.”

            Rafe’s mouth presses into a thin white line and he turns away from you, lifting his suitcase on the bed. You are too embarrassed to change into your cat pajamas again so you change into a big white t-shirt and pink sweatpants in the bathroom down the hall.

            When you come back into the room, Rafe is trying to stick up a bedsheet in between the two beds.

            “What the hell are you doing?”

            “Marking off our places.”

            “Why bother? Isn’t daddy getting you out of here tomorrow?”

            “Hopefully or I’ll be going to jail for murder.” He says over his shoulder to you.

            “Daddy might be able to get you out of that one too.” You fling the insult at him quickly as you push the sheet to the side and get into your bed.

            Rafe mumbles something unkind under his breath. The sheet hangs limply in between the two of you as some sort of juvenile force field. You turn on your side to face the wall.

            Okay, so this is not going how you expected it to.

*

            You open your eyes groggily, unsure what has woken you up. Your alarm isn’t going off and it is still dark out. Maybe you had a dream or something. You close your eyes to try to fall back asleep when you hear a low laugh.

            You blink. You can hear Rafe speaking low into what has to be his phone or something.

            “Yeah?” He is saying, “And then what?”

            Maybe you can just ignore it and fall back asleep. Why he isn’t asleep and is currently talking to someone in the middle of the night is beyond you. You are too tired to care. Your eyes are already getting heavy.

            Then you hear him go, “Yeah? Then what would you to do me? Would you ask me to fuck you?”

            Oh my god. You are suddenly wide awake. Is Rafe seriously having phone sex right now? What the hell are you supposed to do?

            Behind the stupid bedsheet, you hear him say something too quietly to hear. It is when you hear the telltale sound of his zipper that you seriously start to panic. You obviously have to say something but what?

            You hear him mumble into the phone, “If you ask nicely…”

            “Rafe, what the fuck?” You blurt out loudly – nailed it, you think sarcastically.

            Silence fills the room for a few tense seconds and then you hear Rafe go, “I have to call you back.”

            His phone beeps, signaling he has abruptly ended the call. You lay there, staring at the wall, waiting for him to start ranting and raving. But he doesn’t say anything. You hear him shift in his bed and then there is nothing but silence.

            You aren’t sure if he is asleep or if he feels embarrassed.

            In any case, you have a hard time falling asleep because all you can seemingly focus on are the few snippets of the conversation you had overheard.

*

            You are a little tired during orientation but are relieved to get away from Rafe. He was gone by the time you had gotten up, probably off to go complain to his dad that he was sharing a room with someone had cock blocked him from phone sex.

            But orientation has you excited. Classes start on Monday and you can’t wait to dive head first into your art classes and general education courses. Once Rafe’s dad gets him in his own room, you will be all set.

            After orientation, you are in the hallway, fumbling in your bag for your phone to call your parents. You pull out your phone and look up. Rafe is on the other side of the hallway. You hadn’t seen him at first because of the crowd.

            He gestures for you to come over to him. Sighing, you put your phone in your bag and go over to him. You try not to think of the fact he had been trying to have phone sex last night as he crosses his arms.

            “What do I owe this pleasure?” You ask him.

            “Don’t start,” He replies in a grim tone, “Listen, I spoke to my dad.”

            “Yeah, and? When are you moving into your fancy palace?”

            But as soon as the words leave your mouth, you can tell something is wrong. Rafe looks unhappy – well more so than he did yesterday – and his facial expression can only be described as looking as if he had just sucked on a lemon.

            “Your dad can’t get you your own room, can he?” You ask him slowly.

            “He refuses,” Rafe replies and his tone is bubbling over with hostility, “Said it would be good for me.”

            “Not for me though,” You protest, “Did you tell your dad about me?”

            He looks confused, “Why would I tell my dad about you?”

            “Because I’m the one suffering here!” You exclaim.

            “Now who is being dramatic?”

            The two of you stare at each other, realization slowly dawning on you. Sure, you can attempt to find someone to transfer with you. But you know deep down no one will want to suffer with Rafe as a roommate.

            The entire school year stretches ahead of you.

            “Guess I’m stuck with you.” Rafe finally says.

            “Guess I’m stuck with you.” You mumble back.

            Wonderful.


	2. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After accepting the fact that Rafe Adler is going to be your roommate, life goes on. With Halloween upon you, you have a new goal - you want your crush to notice you. That means being brave and going for it. You aren't sure how it is going to pan out. You are sure, however, that Rafe will drive you crazy along the way.

       "Rafe, what is this?”

            “What?”

            You point to your bed, which is covered in his clothes. They are neatly arranged in piles, seemingly by colour and type of clothing. Rafe turns around to see what you are pointing at.

            “I’m folding my clothes.” He says to you slowly, as if you are very stupid.

            “Congratulations on that. Truly. But why are they on my bed?”

            “I have a lot of clothes.” He replies almost defensively.

            You drop your backpack on one of the piles with a sigh of relief. You had been carting that thing around all day. Rafe lets out an alarmed noise, as if you had just kicked his puppy. On second thought, you can’t imagine Rafe actually owning a pet.

            “Whoa, what are you doing?” He hurries over, pushing your backpack to the floor which you manage to catch in time.

            “Jesus, can you not? I have my tablet in there.”

            “These clothes are worth more than your tablet.” His tone is stern as if he is gearing up for a lecture.

            “Yeah, Rafe, I know. Designer clothes. Why are you folding them by colour?”

            “Just makes sense, doesn’t it? Although I can’t say the same for the way you put your clothes away.”

            You close your eyes and count to three while taking a deep breath. This has been your go-to method for dealing with Rafe since school started about six weeks ago, near the end of September. In the six weeks you two have been stuck together, you have gone through the stages of grief.

            First stage: denial. After Rafe had told you that his father was steadfastly refusing to pull some strings to get him his own room, you refused to accept this answer. As school started, you had held out hope that his father would change his mind. There was absolutely no way you could be stuck with him for an entire school year. But then the deadline for room changes passed and Rafe remained with you.

            Second stage: anger. Mostly phrased as “what the fuck?” whenever you would come back to your dorm room and encounter Rafe. Everything he did made you angry. The way he had to hog the desk in the evenings to study. The way he would sneer at your clothing choices. The manner in which he spoke to you and then would be kind to class mates. Why was life doing this to you? Was this some sort of karmic payback? You had never been cruel to anyone in your life. Was this about the fact you had pushed that boy down in the playground in the first grade? He had been bullying you!

            Third stage: Bargaining. Alright, maybe you weren’t that great of a person. But honestly, if someone just made Rafe go away or have his father change his mind, you would do literally anything. You’d find a way to get to town an hour away and do volunteer work. You’d help troubled kids study art. You would go to bed every night at 9pm. Just make the rich kid go away.

            Fourth stage: depression. You tried avoiding the dorm room all together. You memorized Rafe’s class schedule so you could time it out that you wouldn’t have to see him. Just being around him gave you a headache with a healthy dose of anxiety. There was something about how cocky he was that just rubbed you the wrong way. Better to throw a pity party about it.

            Fifth stage: acceptance. Yes, that is what had to happen. Rafe wasn’t going away. You truly did have your first year of college with him. It was the day before Halloween now and he hadn’t faded away into the sunset. Rafe Adler was part of your life now.

            “Okay, I get it,” You snap at the fourth second, “Your clothes are precious. Get them off my bed.”

            His eyes narrow at you and he snatches the piles up before plopping them down on his bed. He is mumbling something but you don’t care. With you, he is always irritated or grumpy.

            What is the worst part about being roommates with Rafe Adler? Maybe it is the fact that he is so good at covering up the fact he is basically Draco Malfoy in the flesh. Girls are interested in him although you have a hard time knowing if it is because he is so rich or for his personality. You have seen him talking to guys too but they didn’t seem to be friends. In fact, Rafe seemingly only has one friend –

            There is a knock on your door and Rafe tells the person to come in. The door opens and, speak of the devil, there is Rafe’s only friend. Sam Drake slouches against the door frame, looking tired as if he has stayed up all night. With him, you aren’t sure if it is studying or partying. His clothes are wrinkled and he has an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

            “Are you still folding your clothes?” Sam says to Rafe before waving at you.

            “I’m done now. We can go.” Rafe says.

            Relief sweeps through you. Thank god for Sam. You have no idea how the two of them get along so well because they are vastly different but if he is taking Rafe away from the dorm room, all you can feel is happiness.

            “Hey, you coming to the haunted house tomorrow night?” Sam asks you.

            “Of course she is,” Rafe replies and then smirks, “That one idiot is going to be there.”

            “Which one?” Sam asks.

            “I don’t remember his name. The one in your English class.” This is directed at you.

            You blanch at the mention of your crush. You have only told one person about the fact you are crushing on someone in your English class – and that person most certainly wasn’t Rafe. He can tell that he hit a nerve though because he is smiling. There is something else too, behind his gaze, that you can’t quite pinpoint.

            “I’m going to be there but it has nothing to do with any boys.” You finally say.

            “We’re going to be there,” Sam says and Rafe looks at him slightly aghast, “What? I volunteered. I wrote your name down too.”

            Sensing an argument, you go over and start ushering the two out of the door. Your fingers brush against the fabric of Rafe’s shirt and he looks at you as if you just handed him rancid meat. You drop your hand as he closes the door behind you, leaving you mercifully alone.

*

            “Listen, I should tell you something.” You mumble as you walk past a group of people dressed up as Star Wars characters.

            “What’s that?”

            “I’m sorta terrified of haunted houses.”

            “You’re what? Why are we going then?”

            Your closest friend here, Elena Fisher, stops in her tracks and looks at you with an amused expression on her face. You look around, as if someone is going to hear about what a wuss you are and lower your voice.

            “Because. He’s going to be here.”

            “Ah, right, the crush. So, let me get this straight. It is Halloween. We are going to this haunted house event which is apparently supposed to be really scary. But you’re terrified of haunted houses.”

            “Yeah, that about sums it up.” You remark.

            Elena gives a small shake of her head, “Great. What if he wants to go with you through the haunted house?”

            “Well, there are three of them, right? Maybe he will want to go through the one that is the least scary one.”

            The college held a Halloween event every year. Since the campus was so remote, it was common for these sort of events to be held. There were three haunted houses. The third one was the largest and was supposed to be the most terrifying one. There were urban legends about it being so scary that students would come out with PTSD.

            You know that the stories probably aren’t true but you want to avoid it as much as humanely possible. As the haunted houses come into sight, you look around. The crowd is thick with fellow students. Some are dressed up. Some aren’t.

            Next to you, Elena is scanning the crowd and you grin, “See him yet?”

            “Don’t.” She says and her skin is flushed.

            “Guess we can just look for the guy with his head shoved in his notebook for your own crush.” You tease her.

            “Yeah, yeah, whatever – hey, is that him?”

            The two of you crane your necks to look over near the first haunted house. Sam is there, trying to hide the fact he is smoking a cigarette. Next to him is his brother, Nate. Nate is in the same year as Elena and yourself while Sam is two years ahead. As you had guessed, Nate has his notebook open and is sketching something.

            “Go.” You tell her.

            “Are you sure?” She asks, hesitant to leave you alone.

            “Yeah. Really. I have a good feeling about tonight.”

            As you watch Elena go, you wish you believe what you had told your friend. Okay, so you didn’t have a good feeling about tonight. The truth was you just wanted to have your crush notice you. You had been speaking since the first day of classes but progress felt incredibly slow. You wanted to make a move on him but you weren’t even sure how to do that.

            You wander into the crowd, keeping your eyes peeled for him. You are so engrossed looking for him that you don’t realize Rafe is in front of you until you almost run into him.

            “Watch where you are going.” He snaps at you, jarring you out of your thoughts.

            “Rafe, sorry. I didn’t see you.”

            “Yeah, because you’re too busy looking for Mr. Moron.”

            You scowl, “What is your deal? What has the guy done to you?”

            “He breathes on my neck in our math class. He sits directly behind me and splays all his books out, takes up all the room, and then I can feel his breath on me.” Rafe says with a disgusted look on his face.

            “Have you seen him?”

            “Not even going to try to deny you like Mr. Mouth Breather?” He looks you up and down, “What are you dressed as, anyway?”

            You look down at your costume and back up at him, “I’m Luna Lovegood.”

            He stares at you blankly.

            Annoyed, you go, “From Harry Potter.”

            His brow furrows, “Those books for kids?”

            “Hey, watch it,” You warn, “What are you dressed as? You look like you always do – rich kid douchebag.”

            “I don’t dress up for Halloween. I’m not five.”

            “You don’t do anything fun ever, do you?”

            “What do you mean? I’m volunteering here, aren’t I?” He deadpans, “Watching people get spooked by haunted houses as if any of these things can be real.”

            Feeling defensive, you go, “They can be scary. You’re not better than anyone because you aren’t scared by haunted houses.”

            “No, that isn’t why I’m better than people.” Rafe replies dryly.

            At this, someone stops in front of Rafe to ask him a question about the event. As he replies, smiling as if this is his favourite place to be in the entire world, you find yourself lingering on him a little too long. For whatever reason, the way that the setting sun hits his face, leaving in partly in shadows, makes you want to sketch him.

            Confused, you tear your eyes away from Rafe and find them landing on your crush. He is talking to a fellow classmate and your heart skips a beat. Next to you, Rafe finishes up the conversation he has with a mumbled ‘idiot’ before turning to you.

            “Ah, look, there he is. The Harry Potter to your Celestia.”

            “It’s Luna,” You snap, “And they don’t end up together.”

            Rafe waves his hand as if he doesn’t care who ends up with who and goes, “Look at that guy. What is he even dressed as?”

            “I think he’s supposed to be Captain America.”

            He scoffs at this, “He looks like Captain America’s little brother attempting to look like Captain America.”

            “Okay, enough,” You say, turning your face sharply to glare at him, “Can you not be a dick for one second?”

            “Normally, I would say yes but Captain American Lite is coming this way so…”

            Alarmed, you turn back to see that Rafe is telling the truth. Your crush is walking this way with a group of his friends. At first you think he is going to say hi to you but then it becomes clear that he is going to walk right past you. Your heart feels as if is going to drop in your stomach when –

            “Hey, Captain America Lite, you going to go through the haunted house or what?” Rafe says to your crush.

            You close your eyes and count to three, trying not to lose your cool. Your crush has stopped and turned around to look him.

            “What?” He says, “Hell no. That’s the third house. I’m not that dumb.”

            “Not sure about that.” Rafe replies.

            Your crush glares at him, “Excuse me?”

            “No, it’s fine. Walk along. It’s only for the bravest.”

            Your crush scoffs, “Anyone brave enough to go through that wins my admiration.”

            The words seem to echo in your head and grow louder. You could impress him if you just sucked it up and went through the third house. There is no way that it could really be as scary as everyone says it is.

            Spurned forward by your desire to prove yourself and a healthy dose of stupidity, you step forward, “I’ll go.”

            Your crush looks impressed, “Really?”

            “Yeah. I’ll go through it.”

            “Alright. We’ll wait for you here.” He says to you.

            “You aren’t going to go with her?” Rafe speaks up.

            “Why would I?”

            “Because she’s –” His voice catches and he glances at you before going, “Because it’s a haunted house. You should escort the lady through the haunted house.”

            For a few seconds you think that Rafe has been kidnapped by body snatchers or something. Who is this person? But he is staring your crush down with his arms crossed. Your crush – ‘Captain America Lite’ which you can’t get out of your head – shakes his head.

            “No way, that thing is supposed to be really scary. You go with her then if you’re so fucking brave.”

            “Fine. I’ll go with Aurora Lovewell through the house.”

            You want to correct him but you are too confused by this sudden turn of events. You had been hoping Captain America Lite would have gone with you. Instead, you are suddenly having to prove your bravery with Rafe Adler, of all people.

            You trail after him and glance behind you. Your crush is talking to someone in the group and barely glances at you as the entrance to the house comes closer.

            Your mouth goes dry and you stop walking. Rafe notices and turns around.

            “You can’t get cold feet if you want to impress dipshit.”

            “I’m not. I’m fine.” You lie and force yourself to march into the haunted house.

            The two of you step into the haunted house. Instantly, you regret this choice. But the idea of scampering out the way you came is too embarrassing. The first area is completely dark with only red lights on the top of wall to guide the two of you along. You feel hyper alert to everything around you as the two of you walk through.

            The first major scare comes from the right. Someone leaps out at you and you scream, closing your eyes. You just stand there and scream, panicked.

            “Alright, back off,” Rafe says to whomever it was who popped out at you, “Believe me, she’s a wimp.”

            “How did you know I was a wimp?” You ask him when you finally uncover your eyes and the two of you walk down a twisting hallway.

            “Can just tell.” He says to you.

            You want to reply but you swear the hallway is twisting underneath your feet. Giving up all pretenses of being brave, you cower behind Rafe as the two of you walk down the hallway.

            “Rafe, you ever play that game, no, it was a demo, really, where you –”

            “No. And whatever you saw in it, it wasn’t real. Just like nothing in here is real.”

            You pass by a door with someone screaming behind it and start pushing on Rafe’s back to have him hurry up. He sighs and walks faster as you grip his t-shirt. He glances at you over his shoulder but doesn’t say anything as your fingers hold onto his (designer) shirt.

            The hallway takes you to another room which is completely dark. You can hear things moving ahead of you. You tell yourself it isn’t real and you’re going to be fine when something lunges out at you.

            You scream and grab Rafe’s hand, pulling him back to get him away from the danger. The figure goes back into the darkness.

            “Jesus, can you not have a heart attack in this shitty haunted house?” He says to you.

            Your hand is firmly holding onto Rafe’s but he doesn’t pull it away. Your fingers entwine around his as he pulls you forward into another hallway. You feel weak in the knees as you can hear more shuffling in the darkness. There is some strange clanking noise nearby. Why, oh why, did you decide to do this?

            Around the corner, you are in another room. There are more jump scares here – Rafe barely notices them whereas you scream every time. This pattern repeats itself, with you clutching his hand, until the final room, where you see the exit.

            “Oh, thank god. Come on.” You say, pulling him forward.

            Rafe says your name but that is when a giant man wielding a chainsaw leaps out at you. You scream loudly and whirl around, burying your face in Rafe’s neck as you feel waves of panic wash over you.

            Rafe’s arms are around your waist, holding you in place, as he says, “Back off, moron, she’s going to have a panic attack at this rate.”

            Either chainsaw man listened or he only appears for a few seconds – in either case, the room is now silent. You can smell Rafe’s cologne. Your muddled mind wonders how much that cost. The feeling of his arms around your waist isn’t as strange as you thought it would be. Actually, it is oddly comforting. His body is warm and you can feel his heartbeat underneath your fingertips – steady and unbothered by the haunted house.

            “Okay, let’s get out of here.” Rafe says quietly in your ear and you can feel his breathe on your skin.

            You nod, feeling extremely embarrassed as you remove yourself from him and walk out the exit. You feel as if you are blushing. Talk about losing your shit over a bunch of people leaping out at you. Rafe hadn’t been bothered at all. Meanwhile, you had grabbed his hand and clung to him like a baby. He is never going to let you live this down.

            When the two of you walk around to the front of the haunted house, you look for Captain America Lite. Rafe is next to you, silent for once in his life. Then you see your crush. He has his back turned to the house and has his arm wrapped around a girl. His head is bowed as he looks at her. They are clearly interested in each other. They are close enough to kiss.

            Your throat burns with embarrassment at having gone through the haunted house, made an ass of yourself, and then to discover Captain America Lite had already forgotten about you.

            Next to you, Rafe starts to speak but you shake your head, “I have to go.” You mumble.

            You push past him and try to keep it together until you get to the dorm room.

*

            It is two hours later when Rafe comes back to the dorm room. You have done nothing but lay there in your bed, throwing yourself a giant pity party as you stare at the ceiling. The room is dark. You can dimly hear everyone having fun outside.

            Rafe shuts the door behind him and you wait for him to start mocking you. It probably wouldn’t bother you. You feel pretty shitty as it is.

            Finally, he goes, “What is this? This music? It sounds like you’re overdosing on Klonopin.”

            “It’s Lana Del Rey.” You grumble.

            “I’m turning it off.” Rafe replies and then a second later the music goes silent.

            Then he sits on his bed and turns on his lamp. You groan and cover your eyes, being over dramatic but not caring. You turn to look at the wall with your back to Rafe.

            “Listen, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Rafe suddenly says, “You still finished the haunted house, right? That counts for something, Star Lovefine.”

            You groan, “It’s Luna Lovegood, Rafe, for fucks sake.”

            “Whatever. You still finished the haunted house.”

            “Yeah, but,” You prop yourself up now and look at him, “That guy didn’t even care. I did it for no reason. I only wanted to impress the guy.”

            “He’s so stupid though,” Seeing your face, he clears his throat, “I mean, don’t waste your time. It isn’t worth your energy to care about someone like that.”

            “Yeah, I guess so.”

            Rafe grabs a change of clothes, clearly heading to the showers, “Listen, just don’t put that Lana girl on again, alright? Sounds like something you’d off yourself to.”

            You wave your hand, gesturing for him to leave. He shuts the door behind him and you stare at it. You feel odd although you can’t explain it. Rafe had been trying to comfort you, which was weird enough in itself. But he also had sort of made you feel a little bit better.

            You plop down in bed, resisting the urge to hit play on the music just to irritate him. Even though ten minutes ago, you were crushed about Captain American Lite, for some reason now the only thing you can seemingly think about is the way it felt when Rafe had held you in the haunted house.


	3. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When your parents decide to take a well-needed vacation during Thanksgiving, you find yourself at college for the holiday. You are thrilled to be getting some time to yourself - until you discover Rafe is staying for the holiday as well.

            It is the day before Thanksgiving and the world is your oyster.

            You are practically skipping back to your dorm room. You haven’t had a class in two days but most of the students have been hanging around until today. A ton are leaving, going back home to visit their families.

            Not you, however. Originally, when your parents had told you they were taking a trip alone across the country, you had been hurt. Did they not want to see you? But after thinking about it for a day or so, you had accepted it. Your parents had been by your side since day one. They hadn’t had a vacation to themselves in absolutely ages. It would be selfish to throw a temper tantrum over your parents wanting to enjoy themselves alone.

            So once you convinced your mom you weren’t angry and wanted them to enjoy themselves, you had begun to count the positives to being at school for Thanksgiving. It would be a lot quieter, for one thing. You could go anywhere on campus and sketch whatever you wanted. You wouldn’t have to worry about all the showers being used.

            And most of all, the best part of it all, is Rafe won’t be around.

            It is with this, this song in your heart, that you are almost skipping to the dorm room. He is due to leave in twenty minutes. Perfect timing to feign a good-bye and then blare music at a normal volume since he complains about anything he deems as too loud.

            You burst into the door room, a smile on your face. Rafe is on his bed, leaning against the pillows, reading a book. He is wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt. His hair is slicked back, most likely with a gel that cost the same as all your college textbooks put together.

            He looks up when you come in and lazily goes, “Why are you so happy?”

            You look around the dorm room. Nothing is packed. His suitcase, which he had brought out last night, has been tossed in the corner, open and empty. Something must show on your face – worry, panic, concern, something – because Rafe shuts his book.  

            “Aren’t you going to miss your flight?” You ask him, trying to keep your voice level but it goes up a pitch.

            “I’m not going.”

            You stifle a groan and visualize all your plans going up in smoke. Your biggest plan had been taking your laptop, curling up in a few blankets because it is chilly out, and binge watching TV shows on Netflix all night. You could still technically do that, but Rafe always complains about the computer light at night, even when you purposely bought him a sleep mask.

            “Oh, why not?”

            “Save it, please. You’re a terrible actress,” Rafe replies, “It isn’t as if I am staying here because I want more quality time with you.”

            You want to ask, no, demand, why he is staying here to ruin your Thanksgiving when there is a knock on the door. You turn around and open it.

            Both Elena and Sam are there. Sam is already slouching against the doorframe with a backpack slung over one shoulder. Elena has a suitcase and laptop bag with her and her blonde hair is pulled back in a ponytail.

            “Hey.” She said and sees Rafe over your shoulder.

            She widens her eyes at you and you widen them back. It is a code the two of you have developed over the past couple of months. Any time Rafe is…well, basically being Rafe, you widen your eyes at each other. It symbolizes unity.

            “What the hell is wrong with your eyes?” Sam asks.

            Okay, so it isn’t perfect.

            “I’m heading out and wanted to say good-bye.” Elena says to you.

            “Yeah, same here. Although, Rafe, thought you were leaving too?” Sam asks as Rafe nudges you out of the way of the door.

            “Change of plans.” Is all he says back.

            Elena pulls you forward, away from Sam and Rafe and lowers her voice, “Are you going to be okay?”

            “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll just…I don’t know. Still try to relax, I guess.”

            She glances over at Rafe, who is now talking to Sam in a low voice, “Well, try not to kill him, alright?”

            “It’s okay. I think I have a handle on him. For the most part.”

            “Well, you know you can call me or text me, okay? For anything.”

            “Yeah, thank you. Have a good Thanksgiving.”

            She pulls you in for a hug and waves good-bye at Sam before heading down the hallway. For a spilt second, you wish you could leave with her but then you tell yourself you are being melodramatic and turn back around.

            Rafe has gone back into the room and Sam is heading towards you.

            You lower your voice, “Maybe you should invite him along.”

            Sam scoffs, “What? No way.”

            “Where are you going, anyway?”

            “Nate and I are visiting Sully.”

            You frown, “Why do your call your dad by his first name?”

            “Sully isn’t our dad. He’s a…family friend, I guess. Although we aren’t as close as Nate is to him,” He shrugs, “It’s fine. I need a break from this place anyway.”

            “Rafe should be taking a break too.”

            “Rafe and Nate get along like oil and water. No way am I inviting him,” He grins at you, “Listen, dear, you get the kid for Thanksgiving and I’ll get the kid for Christmas. I think that was part of the custody agreement.”

            You roll your eyes as Sam walks past you. He turns around and starts walking backwards.

            “You’ll be fine,” He says to you, “He’s not as bad as you think.”

            He waves before turning to walk down the staircase, leaving you alone with Rafe for Thanksgiving.

*

            The next evening, you are sketching something in your notebook when Rafe comes into the room. You haven’t seen him all day, which is a blessing. A Thanksgiving blessing. Wherever he went or headed off to do had kept out of the room for almost the entire holiday. You had spent the day drinking tea, drawing and listening to music. It had been actually relaxing.

            Rafe looks tired. There are dark shadows under his eyes as if he has been up for days. His hair isn’t even slicked back for once and is a bit messy. The difference in appearance is enough to startle you and you lower your notebook. He has a black jacket pulled around him and is dressed in all black.

            “What are you doing?” He asks you.

            “Happy Thanksgiving to you too.”

            “No, I mean, we’re going to miss dinner if you don’t hurry up.”

            You blink, “Wait, you’re going to eat in the dining hall?”

            “Where else I am supposed to eat? Do you want me to go into the mountains and hunt?”

            “Going into the mountains wouldn’t be a bad idea.”

            Rafe ignores the jab and motions with your hands that you should get up. Apparently, he wants to have dinner in the dining hall with you. This surprises you but you decide not to bring it up. You were getting hungry anyway.

            You slip out of bed and follow him out of the dorm building. The air is crisp and a little chilly. The leaves have all changed colour. It is strange walking to the dining hall and seeing how the campus is practically empty.

            “No offense, but you sort of look like shit.” You finally say.

            Rafe glances at you. He doesn’t really have a right to be angry with you over the remark. How many mornings have you been hurrying off to class and he made some snide remark about your clothes?

            “Yeah, probably.” He finally says, clearly not wanting to discuss it.

            So you drop it. If you really have to have Thanksgiving dinner with him, better to make the best of it.

            You get to the dining hall where Rafe holds the door open to you. Yet another Thanksgiving miracle. The dining hall has a few scattered groups of people around but it is a far cry from the normal amount. The two of you get your food and Rafe plops down in the corner of the dining hall, away from everyone else.

            You sit across from him and think about how weird this is. You had figured the two of you would be ignoring each other, not having Thanksgiving dinner together.

            “So, why didn’t you go home for the holiday?” He asks you suddenly.

            “Oh, my parents are going on a trip.”

            “Wow, and they didn’t want you there? Nice of them.”

            You look up at him, seeing if he is making fun of you. But he is opening up the bottle of water he had gotten. You realize he isn’t rubbing it in – he really thinks your parents didn’t want to see you.

            “It isn’t like that,” You reply, “Mom called me and said they wanted to go have a vacation by themselves. They’ve always put me first; you know? And so I told them to go. Mom was worried about upsetting me but I told her they deserved it. They’ve given up a lot for me. I can take a Thanksgiving without them.”

            Rafe is looking at you curiously, as if you are speaking in another language. His fork is in mid-air, as if whatever you are saying is so fascinating that his food is momentarily forgotten.

            When he doesn’t reply, you clear your throat and ask, “Why did your plans change?”

            At this, he looks down at his food and stabs his fork into a piece of turkey, “Dad didn’t want to see me.”

            He says it without inflection but the words startle you. Rafe barely speaks about his family. You don’t know much about them besides he could probably fill up a pool with money and go swimming in it.

            “Your mom is okay with that?”

            “My mom is dead.” He says with no emotion.

            “Oh,” You stumble over your words, “I’m sorry.”

            “Why, did you kill her?”

            “No, I just –”

            He waves his fork in the air, dismissing you, “I get it. It’s fine. She died when I was six. Been with dear old dad ever since.”

            Sensing you are heading into Tragic Backstory territory, you fumble for the right words. You aren’t sure what to say to Rafe. You are sure he has heard it before and any attempts to coddle him will be met with resistance.

            “So, what, he’s a dick then?” You say, settling for blunt honesty.

            Rafe’s eyes flick up to you. You can’t read the look in his eyes. For some weird reason, the memory of Halloween crosses your mind – his arms around your waist, his steady heartbeat in the haunted house – and you look away first.

            “That’s putting it mildly. Almost kindly. Dad lost it when mom died. All he cares about is the business. I am an extension of the business. What I go to school for, who I end up dating, what I want to do with my life – all of these things dad is overly invested in. He says anything I do reflects on him. I was supposed to see him for Thanksgiving but he said he needed to go out of the country for something and I just could stay behind.”

            You blink, trying to picture your own parents not wanting to see you. Your mom had been so worried you were going to be upset about not coming home for Thanksgiving. For Rafe’s father to cancel at the last minute…

            “Why do you think he is like that?” You ask.

            Rafe shrugs but it seems forced. The whole casual air of this conversation seems forced. Judging by the circles under his eye and how he hasn’t taken complete care of his appearance, it is affecting him more than he is letting on.

            “I don’t know. Pick whatever thing you want. He looks at me and sees my mother. He didn’t want a kid to begin with. He’s just an asshole. Does it really matter?”

            You thought it did but you didn’t want to press the subject. You are amazed that Rafe has even said this much. Silence falls between the two of you as you eat. You can’t help but sneak glances at him as he eats. Even though he looks unlike himself, for some reason, it makes you want to sketch him even more.

            When you are worried the silence is becoming too brooding, you go, “This is sort of like, a low rent Hogwarts meal.”

            Rafe looks up at you and goes, “When you speak, I understand probably about, oh, twenty-five percent of what you are talking about.”

            “Nothing, forget it. I keep forgetting you haven’t read them. But apparently I am the weird one here.”

            Rafe leans forward slightly. He isn’t wearing his cologne for once and instead the scent of clean laundry wafts over to you. He must do a load of laundry every night as if the mere thought of dirty clothes disgusts him. You can see stubble lining his jaw. He didn’t shave this morning. He had never skipped out on that before. His skin is pale and his eyes are bright.

            “If you dumped out all those pop culture references out of your head, you would probably have a better grade in math.”

            You lean forward as well, challenging him, “And if you weren’t such a cocky little shit almost non-stop, maybe you wouldn’t struggle to find a partner for group projects in your classes.”

            At this, he grins and then lets out a bark of laughter. Your eyes widen as he keeps laughing. You wrack your brain trying to remember if you have ever heard him laugh before. No. You never have. You would have remembered if you had heard Rafe laugh. The sound is foreign to you and you just stare at him.

            The laughter changes his face. He goes from a scowling, brooding guy to someone who looks almost normal, as if he is actually enjoying himself. His features soften. Your heart skips a beat and you look away from him. When he finally finishes, he pushes his plate forward.

            “Are you done?”

            “Yeah, let’s go.” You say although your brain feels scattered and you don’t know why.

            Together, the two of you step out of the dining hall into the night. The temperature has cooled off considerably and you shiver. You should have brought a jacket.

            “Want to go for a walk?” Rafe asks you.

            “Sure.” You agree to it before you can even think about it, think about why you want to go for a walk with him.

            You cut across the courtyard to the nearest sidewalk. Soon, it will be snowing here. You haven’t seen snow since you were a kid and you are looking forward to it. You shiver again and this time Rafe notices.

            “Did you not bring a jacket?”

            “I forgot.”

            He sighs and before you can say anything else, he is shrugging out of his own jacket. He hands it to you. You stare at it.

            “Well, come on.” He says.

            “Won’t you be cold?” You hesitate.

            “Can you be cold if you don’t have a soul?” He says to you and you realize, for the first time ever, Rafe has made a joke about himself.

            “Good point.” You joke back and take his jacket.

            It is too big for you but is worn in from years of Rafe wearing it. The sleeves come down around your fingertips and you find it comfortable. You shove your hands in the pockets. Together, you walk down the sidewalk. Neither one of you speak.

            You glance at him out of the corner of your eye. He really is in shape, you think and then wonder why you are thinking about that.

            “Can I ask you something?”

            He looks over at you, “Sure.”

            Knowing he’s in a strange mood, you ask him the question you have been wondering for a few months now, “Like, the first day we were living together, you were having phone sex in the middle of the night. What was that about?”

            Rafe looks surprised as your question and then looks away from you, running his hand through his hair, “It was a friend.”

            “You talk to all your friends like that?” You raise an eyebrow.

            Another smiles crosses his face and your chest tightens, “Close friends. It was my friend, Nadine. We’re…on and off, I suppose.”

            You had never suspected Rafe of seeing anyone before. For some reason, the idea that he has been seeing someone like that bothers you more than you want to admit.

            “She go here?”

            “What? No. She’s back home. We’re currently not speaking. Had a mild disagreement.”

            “Mild disagreement?” You ask curiously.

            Rafe glances at you and then falls silent. Sensing he doesn’t want to speak about it, you try to find a way to shift the conversation.

            “Well, lucky for me, I guess.”

            “Why, you didn’t want to listen in?” He asks you.

            “Ah, no thanks.”

            “Why, wanted to participate?”

            Your eyes widen at this and you turn to look at him. But he is grinning at you, clearly joking. For a spilt second, you thought he had been serious and you…what, exactly? You feel even more confused than you had been a few minutes ago.

            “Come on. Let’s go back to the dorm before I freeze to death.” He remarks.

            You trail after him, trying to figure out why your heart is pounding. He had been kidding. You were really losing your head today. You go back to your dorm building, which is as quiet as a tomb, and back into your room. You push the sheet that is still separating the room and sit down on your bed.

            Behind the sheet, Rafe is sitting on bed. You can tell he has grabbed his book and is going to read. You turn away from him and pull your notebook over to you. But you suddenly don’t feel like finishing the sketch you had been working on earlier.

            “Would you care if I brought the sheet down?” He asks suddenly.

            You look up, “You want to take the force field down?”

            “Yeah the ‘force field’.” He drags the word out, mocking you.

            “Sure.”

            Rafe reaches over and yanks the sheet down. There is a small snapping noise as the string breaks and the sheet falls to the ground. Then he leans back in bed and opens his book again as if nothing had changed. You look back down at your notebook.

             Before you can question it, you are sketching him. He doesn’t notice you are doing this. He is reading his book and you look at the spine as you sketch. It is some history book. Of course. No light reading for Rafe.

            As you work on the sketch, it blocks out anything else you had on your mind. You are focusing on the lines of his face, the stubble on his skin, and the way he is focused on the words of the page.

            This is how the two of you remain for a few hours. You working on the sketch as Rafe reads his book. When it is close to midnight, he closes the book and looks over at you.

            “Sketch done yet?”

            Alarmed, you squeak out, “What?”

            “I’m not a moron. I know you’ve been sketching me. Let me see.”

            Your fingers tighten on your sketch pad and you know you are blushing. Rafe leans over the space where the sheet once had been and looks at the notebook upside down. You wait for him to say something negative about it.

            “I look great upside down.” He finally says.

            Then he reaches over and moves the pad so he can see it at the proper angle. You make a small sound of protest but his fingers accidentally brush over yours and you fall silent. The minor touch has sent electric shocks through you.

            “Not too bad,” He finally says, “I don’t think anyone has sketched me before.”

            He lets go of the notebook and grabs a pair of sweatpants and grey shirt to go change for bed. You watch him leave the room and then look down at the sketch. Your heart is racing and you don’t know why. Today has been very confusing.

            When Rafe comes back, he flicks off the light without asking if you are staying up. Typical. You grab your tablet and snuggle down in bed, turning it on the low light setting and picking up your earbuds.

            You are about to decide what terrible reality TV program you are in the mood for tonight when Rafe speaks up, “Thanks.”

            “For what?” You say, surprised.

            He doesn’t reply. You think maybe he has fallen asleep. Or has hit his head. Thanking you? That’s something brand new.

            Then he speaks up again, “I’m grateful you’re around. Thankful.”

            You are glad the room is dark because there is no way you can hide the surprise on your face. It is as if aliens have come into your dorm room and told you that you had to come with them. That is the level of shock you are feeling.

            You aren’t sure what to say back. You shift a little and that is when you realize you are still wearing Rafe’s jacket. It is wrapped tightly around you. The zipper is done up and you have pulled the hoodie over your head when you got into bed.

            It smells like him – that cologne and clean laundry scent that is Rafe’s. Your fingers curl around the edges of the sleeves. The fact you hadn’t removed it as soon as you got back to the dorm room and the fact that Rafe didn’t ask for it back is what propels you to reply:

            “I’m grateful for you too, Rafe.”

            You can hear him exhale a little as if he had been holding his breath. What had he said about his father? His dad didn’t seem like a caring man. Maybe anytime Rafe had shown real human emotion, he had been shut out. You aren’t sure. But for the first time since school started, you think of him as Sam suggested – not as bad as you had previously thought.

            “Good-night.” He finally says to you.

            And you bring the jacket around you tighter, as if it is Rafe there instead of his jacket and you go, “Good-night.”


	4. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you discover Rafe is staying at the college for Christmas, you decide you are going to stay as well. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, you can't help but start feeling more and more drawn to him. The two of you are going to the Christmas Eve party the school is throwing. With a gift exchange and drunken antics from your friends, it might end up being the most surprising Christmas yet.

            Rafe didn’t ask for his jacket back.

            You didn’t give it back.

            Perhaps you should have but as Thanksgiving passed and no mention was made of the jacket, you unofficially thought of it as yours.

            It is Rafe’s jacket you are wearing as you are hurrying back to your dorm room. It is the day before Christmas Eve and your mom has called you for roughly the hundredth time to triple check that you are okay with not coming home for the holidays.

            “Mom, I swear that I am fine. I want to stay here. Seriously. Coming home for a couple days and then coming back…that’s a lot of flying.” You say to her as you yank open the dorm building door.

            “I don’t have to go with your father on his business trip. I can stay behind and you can stay for longer.” Your mom replies.

            “No, it’s okay. Really.” You repeat as you head up the stairs to your dorm room.

            The truth is, besides the fact you really don’t want to fly home for two days before going back, Rafe is staying at the college for the holiday. This time around his father had made no claims about wanting to see him or spend time with him. When you thought about Rafe sitting along in his dorm room on Christmas, you had wanted to stay behind to be with him.

            You couldn’t completely explain it to yourself why you wanted to stay behind. You knew Sam was staying behind too. Rafe wouldn’t be completely alone. Even so, you still wanted to keep him company. Thanksgiving had been flickering across your brain on a steady rotation for a month now. You had been replaying the day so often in your mind it was as if you were studying for a play audition.

            “Alright, well, I will talk to you tomorrow then, okay?”

            “Okay. Love you, mom.”

            Your mom says she loves you too and the call ends. You exhale slowly. School has been so incredibly busy this past month that you feel as if you are going at the speed of light almost non-stop. You have been drowning in homework and just finished a study session at the library.

            Your phone vibrates and you look down to see a text from Elena. She had left yesterday for break.

            “ _Anything new_?”

            Ever since you had told her about Thanksgiving with Rafe, she had been asking this question daily. You text back a quick “no” with a laughing emoji and then head down the hallway.

            The dorms are almost empty. There are probably about three other people on your floor today. You stop in front of your dorm room door and are about to open it when you hear a strange noise.

            It is a sort of grunt. Your hand hovers over the door knob as you hear the grunting noise again. Oh no. What if Rafe has a girl in there? What is the name of that woman he had been having phone sex with months ago? Nadine, you think. Maybe she had surprised him or something. You really couldn’t take it if he is having sex with her right now.

            You hear the noise again and open the door, sticking your head inside nervously. You aren’t sure what to expect but Rafe being on the floor isn’t one of the ideas that had popped into your head.

            He is working out, doing push-ups. He has earbuds in his ears so he hasn’t heard you come in. You find yourself rooted to the spot, oddly entranced by the sight of Rafe working out. He is wearing a thin white t-shirt that is sticking to his back from a thin layer of sweat. His work-out pants are grey and you realize you are staring at his ass for a beat too long.

            You drag your eyes away and lean over and wave your hand in front of his face. He lowers himself to the floor and rolls over onto his back, yanking an earbud out of his ear.

            “What are you doing?” You inquire, still leaning over him as he looks up at you.

            Out of breath, he replies, “Working out. It is a thing you do where you –”

            “Oh, shut up, I know what it is. Why are you doing it in here?”

            Rafe sits up, resting his back against his bed. You are trying very hard not to look at the way his t-shirt is clinging to his toned stomach or how his arms look after working out. There is sweat on his brow that he wipes with the back of his hand. Only Rafe would look this good after working out. You always looked like a tomato smashed against a brick wall when you worked out.

            “Campus gym is closed for the holiday.” He replies.

            The music from his player is still blaring. Out of the earbud he had pulled out of his ear, you can hear the beat of the song. It is oddly familiar. He runs his fingers through his hair as he grabs a water bottle off to the side and takes a gulp. You are staring at him too hard. Rafe is observant and will notice at this point.

            You lean forward and grab his music player out of his hand. He protests as you hit the button to see what he is listening to.

            You start to laugh, “I knew it!”

            “Give that back.” He glowers.

            “You’re listening to Britney Spears!” You exclaim gleefully.

            Rafe yanks the music player back, looking cross, “Her stuff is good to work out to. I don’t even know most of the songs.”

            “What’s your favourite album?” You challenge.

            He is so focused on turning the music off that he instantly slips up and replies, “Blackout.”

            You let out another loud laugh, “The hidden gem of Britney albums. You’re in deep, my friend.”

            Rafe scowls, “Don’t tell Sam.”

            “Fine, fine. I won’t let anyone know,” You hold your hands up in an innocent gesture and wrinkle your nose, “Smells like boy in here.”

            “Well, I am a boy so…” He stands up, “Are you going to the Christmas Eve party tomorrow night?”

            “Might as well, right? Or I’ll just be sitting around.”

            “Guess I’ll go as well then.” He says, turning around to go to his closet to get a change of clothes.

            You want to ask him if he is only going because you are going but you bite your tongue. Around Rafe, you feel unsure. You have always been the sort just to ask a guy questions point blank. But you falter around him for some reason.

            When he leaves to go shower, you are almost saddened by the fact you won’t get to watch him work out anymore.

*

            You are running late to the Christmas Eve party. Elena had called and the two of you had spent too much time on the phone. First, Elena had to analyze her interactions with Nate recently so the two of you could debate if he was into her or not. Then it was your turn to discuss Rafe, although you weren’t even sure how you felt about him.

            By the time the two of you wrapped up the call, you were late. As you hurried across campus, you tried to make sure not to slip and fall on the icy pathways. The campus was covered in a thick blanket of snow. In the distance, you could hear someone blaring Christmas music. The stars were bright and the moon was full. With the mountains in the distance, it was a perfect thing to sketch – if you weren’t already late.

            Finally, you make it to the dining hall where the Christmas party is being held. There are a few people outside, including Sam. He is smoking a cigarette and talking to his brother, who keeps waving his hand in front of his face to ward off the smoke.

            “Hey,” Sam calls out when he sees you, “You’re late. Really late.”

            “Yeah, sorry,” You say as you come over, “I was talking to Elena.”

            You glance over at Nate to see if he perks up at the sound of her name. He does. You make a mental note to tell her that.

            “How is she?” He asks you.

            “Good, just dealing with family around the holidays.” You reply.

            “She should have stayed here,” Sam replies, “Would have been more fun.”

            “Why are you guys here, anyway? You went home for Thanksgiving.”

            Nate rolls his eyes, “Sam doesn’t get along with Sully. Just trying to avoid any more nuclear fallouts.”

            Sam blows smoke out of his mouth and shrugs, “Nathan, listen, he was completely out of line –”

            “Alright, well, see you guys around!” You say cheerily, not wanting to get in the middle of sibling spat.

            You cut through them and open the door to the dining hall. You look around. There are more people than you are expecting. Christmas music is being played. There is a giant tree in the center that is glittering in tinsel and ornaments. Even though you see a few people you know, you are scanning the room for Rafe.

            You finally see him in the corner. He is talking to someone but has an extremely bored facial expression. Sensing he needs a way out, you go over to the two of them.

            “Anyway, so then I said, I told the guy like ‘hey, listen, if you aren’t going to buy it, then leave’, you know? I don’t make these blankets out of reused garbage bags for free, right?”

            “Right.” Rafe says dryly.

            Oh god, you think to yourself and bounce up to the two of them, smiling, “Hey, you two,” You turn to Rafe, “Sorry to bother you, but can I talk to you for a minute?”

            He catches on quickly, “Yes, please,” He glances over at the guy and goes, “Nice speaking to you.”

            Rafe grabs your arm and practically drags you away from the guy before turning to you, “Where were you? You’re like, thirty minutes late. I’ve had to speak to actual people.”

            “Look at you, Mr. Social,” You reply wryly, “I was on the phone with Elena. Calm down. Pretending not be a jerk is good practice.”

            Even though you have told yourself you aren’t going to look at him for too long, you instantly break that promise to yourself. He is wearing all black again. Black pants and a black sweater that is maybe a touch too small. Your eyes linger on his arms and his chest again before you force yourself to look up at him.

            “Funny. Just stay close, right? Until everyone gets drunk at least and the party grows more interesting.”

            “You think people are going to drink?”

            Rafe gawks at you, “We’re in college and it’s a party.”

            “Yeah, but it’s Christmas Eve.”

            “I bet you everyone is completely trashed in an hour.” He says.

            “Fine. One hour.”

*

            You lose the bet in forty-five minutes. You have clearly underestimated how much college students can drink, Christmas Eve or not. Rafe is staring at you smugly as Sam takes a seventh shot. How is he not dead? You would be dead.

            The music has switched from Christmas music to house music. Technically, no one is supposed to be drinking. All the booze has been smuggled in. Even so, the couple of teachers that are chaperoning the party don’t seem to care. One of the teachers has spent the entire night on her phone, looking as if she has been fighting with someone. The other teacher has been chatting up random students and you are sure you have seen him take a shot in the corner.

            Someone bumps into you and you turn around. It is Nate, who is clutching a glass of something.

            “Eggnog is delicious,” He says, clearly slightly drunk, “Do you like eggnog?”

            “No. I didn’t know anyone actually liked eggnog.”

            “It’s delicious,” Nate repeats very seriously and then looks at you, “Hey, can I ask you something?”

            “Sure.” You turn to look at him.

            “Is Elena single?”

            You try not to smile, “Yes, she is.”

            “That’s cool.” Nate says in an attempt to be casual.

            “So cool.”

            He takes a sip of his eggnog before going, “Is she like, into anyone?”

            “You should ask her and find out.” You suggest.

            His eyes widen a little, “Should I?”

            You don’t get to reply because Rafe comes over at that point. He ignores Nate completely. You know the two of them don’t get along – well, worse than how Rafe doesn’t get along with most people.

            “Looks like I won.” He says in your ear.

            “Alright, what do you want, a medal?” You say, crossing your arms.

            Nate is already moving already from the two of you. Even drunk, he isn’t keen to spend any extra time around Rafe.

            “Nah, I don’t want anything. Just wanted to gloat.” He says to you.

            You roll your eyes when you feel your phone go off in your purse. You rummage through it, cursing yourself for always putting too much junk in your bag, and pull your phone out.

            “It’s my mom. I’ll be back.” You tell him and quickly cut across the hallway and pull open the door to go outside, tugging on Rafe’s (yours, now?) jacket.

            It is freezing cold outside. Everyone who had been outside previously has scattered, either going inside or back to their rooms. You answer the phone and talk to your mom.

            You wander to the edge of the overhang outside the dining hall. As you speak to your mom, you admire the way the snow looks like it is glinting from the moonlight. Your fingers are itching to sketch. Maybe you can nip back to the dorm and grab your sketchbook. Rafe would totally make fun of you though.

            The call finally winds down, with you telling your parents you love them. You shove your phone back in your bag and turn around. Rafe is coming out of the dining hall. He is holding a gift bag in his hands.

            “Hey. I was just about to head back inside.” You tell him as he comes over to you.

            “How were your parents?”

            “Fine. They just wanted to make sure I was doing alright.” You say, not wanting to bring up Rafe’s own father – it always seems to darken his mood.

            He motions to a bench over to the side, “Sit with me?”

            “Uh, sure.” You say, glancing at the gift bag in his hand.

            You sit down next to him and he goes, “I haven’t heard from my father.”

            Ah, so you didn’t have to bring up his dad at all. It is rare for Rafe to bring up his dad. He had only mentioned him briefly since Thanksgiving and it was never positive.

            “How do you feel about that?” You ask him.

            “You sound like a therapist,” Rafe says, “I feel fine. I’m used to it.”

            You don’t completely believe him. If there is one thing you have noticed with his dad, it is that whatever happens affects him way more than he tries to let on. Even now, Rafe is fiddling with the edges of his gloves, which he must have slipped on before coming after you.

            “Well, parents can be complicated,” You reply, “Sometimes, even though you don’t want them to affect you, they do anyway.”

            He glances at you out of the corner of his eyes before shrugging a little, “I should be used to how he is by now though, right?”

            “Maybe. Depends on how he is. Is he always an asshole?”

            There is a tinge of sadness in his voice when he goes, “Yes.”

            Sensing that he has more to say, you stay quiet. Rafe fiddles with his gloves again. It is so cold that you can see his breath.

            Finally, he goes, “I’ve been thinking about him a lot since Thanksgiving. Which is weird. Because I thought once I got here, I’d feel a lot better. I’d be away from him, right? But it still feels as if his claws are in me no matter how far I go.”

            “It isn’t easy to shake a parental figure that is like…how your dad is.” You finish lamely, trying not to be overly harsh on his father.

            There is a heavy silence from Rafe. It is as if he debating telling you something. You fall silent and hold your breath. Finally, he shifts and looks at you. He seems to be studying your face for something. You don’t say anything. Whatever he wants to tell you, you want him to tell you because he chooses too, not because he feels forced.

            Without preamble, he suddenly goes, “He used to beat me.”

            Your eyes widen and before you can stop yourself, you go, “What?”

            Rafe looks uncomfortable telling you this and mildly shocked at himself for blurting it out. He tilts his face away from you.

            “Nothing, Jesus, I shouldn’t have blurted that out to you,” He goes in a rush, “I – sorry. Sorry.”

            “Whoa, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. It isn’t really something you can word or frame in a nice way,” You reply, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

            His eyes are dark, lost in memories. Part of you shouldn’t be so surprised. The fact that his dad abused him feels like a giant puzzle piece landing in your lap. It explains a lot about his behavior. But he is already brushing your concern aside. It is as if he just wanted to say it, purge it from his system to someone, and has no desire to actually go into it. You don’t want to press the subject if he isn’t ready.

            “Anyway, I got you this.” He says firmly, letting you know not to mention it anymore.

            Rafe hands you the gift bag. You have gotten him something too but kept it back in the dorm room. You wish you had brought it now.

            You look down at it and blink, “Is this a Chanel gift bag?”

            “Yeah. Don’t get excited though. It isn’t a Chanel item inside.”

            “Chanel makes gift bags?”

            Rafe blinks as if the question is silly, “Of course they do.”

            “Right, of course they do.” You say under your breath as you open up the bag.

            There is something wrapped in tissue paper inside. You pull it out and carefully unwrap it. In all honesty, usually when someone gives you a gift, you tear into it practically with your teeth. But you know Rafe would poke fun at you. You have also never gotten a gift in a designer gift bag before and it makes you want to act like a proper adult for some reason.

            “This isn’t the holy grail. You can pick up the pace.” Rafe says impatiently.

            Alright, official permission then. You tear the tissue paper off and look at what is in your hands. It is a sketchbook but it is made from way better quality than anything you have. On the cover of the book is the Ravenclaw house symbol from Harry Potter. For a few seconds, you are speechless. You open up the sketchbook and run your fingers along the milky white pages.

            “Do you like it?” Rafe asks hesitantly.

            “How did you know I’m a Ravenclaw?” You finally ask him.

            “Looked up that girl you were for Halloween. Aurora whatever her name was.”

            “Luna Lovegood.” You correct automatically.

            “Yeah, anyway, she was in the house so I just assumed. Correctly, I hope.”

            You nod, speechless for a moment. The gift is actually thoughtful. You had assumed Rafe would get you nothing or toss a gift card your way. This actually required thought and a little research. Not to mention you are sure it is specially ordered. You had never seen a sketchbook like this before – not in that quality, anyway.

            “Thanks so much, Rafe,” You tell him, “Really. I have a gift for you too but it’s back in the room.”

            “Don’t worry about it. Come on. We should get back inside before we freeze to death.” He stands up.

            You put the sketchbook carefully back into the bag. Your heart is beating very quickly. You stand up. Rafe is standing in front of you. He is looking at you intently which makes you nervous.

            “What?” You say as your breath puffs out in front of your face.

            He raises his eyes upward and you look up as well. Your heart catches. The two of you are standing underneath mistletoe. Between the phone call with your parents, Rafe’s confession about his father and then the gift, you didn’t even notice.

            Rafe is taking off one of his gloves. With his bare hand, he rests his palm against your cheek. Your head goes dizzy at his touch. He is extremely close to you. Up this close, you can see the light stubble lining his jaw. His eyes are deep, fathomless pools that you are unable to read. He smells like he always does – that comforting scent of cologne and clean laundry that you have come to know so well.

            “That’s my jacket.” He says to you quietly.

            “Do you want it back?” You say, feeling dizzy.

            The corners of his mouth quirk up a little and he shakes his head before going, “Looks better on you than me.”

            Then he is tilting your face up to his. His lips brush against yours tentatively as if he is worried you are going to pull away. But you don’t. Instead, you raise yourself up a little on your toes and press your lips against his.

            The kiss is different from any other kiss you have had in your life. It feels as if something is cracking open inside of you – an electric shock that is shooting through your core. Rafe’s lips are soft and warm. He is gentle which you weren’t expecting. As the kiss deepens, your mouth opens and you can feel his tongue. He tastes like mint from his toothpaste.  

            You have wanted this for so long even though you had refused to admit it to yourself. Since the time in the haunted house, where Rafe had put his arms around you, you had been thinking about a moment like this.

            Everything fades away with his lips on hers. It feels as if you are coming home.

            You are about to wrap your arms around him when in the distance, you hear someone burst out of the dining room.

            “Rafe!” Sam’s drunken voices slices through the air, “Where are you?”

            Rafe’s head jerks backwards. He looks dazed as if he has stepped out of a dream. The two of you are breathless. His eyes are wide and he looks vulnerable. You want to say something but aren’t sure what.

            You are saved from saying anything because Sam has found the two of you. He slings his arm around Rafe who still looks out of it.

            “It’s fucking freezing out here. Why are you out here?” Sam asks him before barreling on, “Guess what?”

            “What?” Rafe says, still looking at you.

            “I found a place to deliver hot wings.” He hits Rafe’s chest at this, looking victorious.

            This snaps you out of your fog, “What?”

            “Hot wings!” Sam repeats loudly.

            Rafe sighs, “The best sign to tell when Sam is plastered is that he eats about fifty hot wings in one sitting.”

            “Hot wings are the best. Alright, so this place is gonna deliver them!”

            “Some place is going to drive an hour here and an hour back to give you hot wings on Christmas?” You say, making sure you are getting the story correct.

            “Yeah, I mean. It’s costing a lot of money but it’s going to be totally worth it.”

            He grabs Rafe and turns him around, steering him back into the building. Rafe glances at you over his shoulder but you feel rooted to the spot.

            Your lips are still tingling from his kiss.

*

            Rafe comes back to the dorm room about twenty minutes after you have returned. Your mind is playing the kiss on repeat. Over and over again you can see the way he looked at you, can feel his lips on yours, can taste him in your mouth. You are sitting on your bed, pretending to look busy when he comes in.

            “Sam get his hot wings?”

            “Yes. He ordered an obscene amount. I think Nate and Sam were going to see who could eat the most.”

            “Ah, siblings.” You joke, trying to ignore how quickly your heart is beating.

            Rafe sits down on his bed across from you. You grab the gift bag on your own bed and hand it to him. You are nervous about giving him your gift.

            He takes the bag from you and you go, “Regular gift bag. Poor people gift bag.”

            He laughs at this and you try not to melt. He laughs so rarely. When he does, it is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Rafe opens up the gift bag. You hadn’t wrapped the object in tissue paper. You had sort of shoved tissue paper in the bag. Just another difference between the two of you, you think.

            Rafe pulls out a binder and glances up at you, “What is this, a study guide?”

            “Very funny. Open it.”

            He does and you study his face. The lamp illuminates one side of his face, leaving the other half in darkness. All angles and lighting. You want to sketch him on the spot. After a minute or so, he looks up at you.

            “I put all the sketches of you together,” You explain because you are too nervous to allow any silence, “Made copies and put them in the binder. Is that weird? I wasn’t sure what to get you because you can buy literally anything you want. So I thought at least the sketches were original –”

            “I love it.” He cuts you off.

            “Really?” You exhale.

            “Yes, really.”

            There is a pause between the two of you. Rafe sucks in a breath and looks as if he is about to speak when suddenly his phone goes off. You curse inwardly. Interrupted yet again.

            Rafe’s face darkens. It looks as if the sun is being blotted out. His mouth goes into a thin line and he gets up.

            “I have to take this.” He says and then leaves the room.

            You can tell by his reaction that it has to be his father. No one else calls him and has him act like that. You glance at the time. It is almost midnight. Late for a phone call from the parents but you aren’t too surprised.

            As you sit there, you think about what he has told you about his dad hitting him. The thought makes you sick. No wonder Rafe doesn’t want to allow anyone in. What sort of piece of shit emotionally and physically abuses their son?

            The door opens and Rafe steps back inside. He looks faintly sick. Your fingers dig into the bed.

            “What is it?” You ask.

            He clears his throat and runs his fingers through his hair before looking up at you.

            “Uh, nothing. Dad is just coming by to visit for New Year’s Eve.”


	5. New Year's Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year's Eve brings the day Rafe is dreading. With his father coming to visit, you are unsure how things are going to go. You want to be there for Rafe and give him as much support as you can. But will he retreat into himself and shut you out instead?

            You are running late which isn’t new. It feels as if college has thrown your sense of time off. Between the homework, studying and distractions, you are always hurrying around. At least it is New Year’s Eve and the only thing you will be late to is the party.

            The largest distraction in your life? Your roommate, Rafe Adler. The second largest? The fact that his father is coming by tonight to visit him. Rafe had been keeping quiet about any abuse suffered at the hands of his father. From what you have pieced together, however, you know that it involved both physical and emotional abuse. To say you weren’t looking forward to meeting his father was an understatement.

            As you yank open the front doors to your dorm building, you almost run face first into Elena. She is holding a stack of library books. Her ponytail has come undone and her blonde hair is framing her face.

            “Shit, sorry.” She said, narrowly missing toppling her books all over you.

            “No, my fault. You trying to get to the library before it closes?”

            Elena had come home two days ago, apparently having had her fill of family for the holidays. You were secretly glad she had come back. Nothing like facing the New Year with your best friend by your side.

            “Yeah, I completely forgot to return these before I left for Christmas. Hey, you’re coming to the party tonight, right?”

            “Another school sanctioned holiday event? Of course I’ll be there.”

            She grins and then looks around before whispering, “Nate is going to be there.”

            “Ah,” You wiggle your eyebrows, “What’s the plan?”

            “Kiss at midnight,” She replies confidently, “You?”

            “Trying to survive Rafe’s father. Not nearly as romantic, I’m afraid.”

            She tilts her head to one side, looking thoughtful, “You two still haven’t discussed the kiss?”

“No. But ever since he found out his dad was coming; he’s been totally off. I hardly have seen him sleep. He sort of looks like a walking zombie. I haven’t wanted to bring it up.”

            “Don’t worry about it too much. After his dad leaves, the two of you can figure it out,” Elena glances at the clock on the wall, “Shit, okay, I need to hurry. Text me later, okay?”

            You tell her you will and then the two of you part ways. As you head to your dorm room, you are thinking about Rafe. It is true that he has not been himself since his dad announced he was coming to see him. There seemed to be this anxious energy around him whenever you saw him. He appeared more like an animal trapped in a corner than his typical self.

            You are thinking about the kiss at Christmas – how his lips felt on yours and how safe you had felt – as you open the dorm room door. Then you come to a full stop. There is a man in your room. His back is to you and he is looking out the window. His hands are clasped behind him. His posture is stiff. He is wearing a suit and his greying hair is slicked back.

            You know without a doubt that this is Mr. Adler. He has heard you enter but hasn’t turned around.

            “You’re late.” He says finally in a clipped tone.

            Wonderful. Fantastic. Rafe isn’t here and you have stumbled across his dad. You currently look like a walking nuclear wasteland. Your hair is unkempt from the wind. You are wearing a baggy sweater with Rafe’s jacket hastily pulled over it. Your jeans are faded and your boots are scuffed.

            “I didn’t know we had a meeting.” You finally say.

            Mr. Adler slowly turns around at this and you regret making a joke out of it. Were you ever actually going to impress this man though? Your chances were slim from the start.

            You can see the resemblance to Rafe instantly. The jawline is the same as is the eye colour. There is a similar sort of confident stance that Rafe (normally) possesses. The scent is all wrong though. Mr. Adler is wearing a heavy cologne and smells faintly of cigars. In the small dorm room, the scent is already threatening to give you a headache.

            His eyes flick down to the jacket. You can tell he knows it belongs to his son and not you. Something about you wearing the jacket seems to make him decide something because he holds out his hand.

            “Excuse me, I thought you were my son,” He says smoothly, “You must be the roommate.”

            You shake his hand and note another difference. Where Rafe’s skin is warm, Mr. Adler’s is cold. A simple difference but you think it speaks volumes about the two men.

            “Yeah, that’s me. The roommate.” You are trying very hard not to babble.

            “I have heard so much about you,” Mr. Adler goes on as if you haven’t spoken, “My son has always been intrigued by people who are in a different social standing than him.”

            Ah, there you are. The first shot has been fired. Didn’t take that long. You had been planning on maybe five minutes. Rafe must have slipped up and shown some actual interest in you to his dad on the phone. The jacket on you must have been too much for Mr. Adler to handle – a sign that his son was actually enjoying himself for once.

            “Right, cause I’m poor.” You say with a serious head nod, knowing you shouldn’t irk him but seemingly unable to help yourself.

            There is a flicker of something across Mr. Adler’s eyes. It is gone so quickly that you wonder if you only imagined it.

            “I only stopped at the room to see my son and give him Nadine’s Christmas gift. He’s mentioned Nadine, I assume?”

            “Yes.” You reply curtly.

            Mr. Adler motions to a small gift bag he has placed on Rafe’s bed, “They’ve been friends since they were young. I’m friends with her father, you see. The two of them get along. They’re close.”

            “Rafe told me they broke up.” You fight the urge to cross your arms, afraid of looking like a spoiled child.

            “Mild disagreement,” Mr. Adler dismisses you, echoing the same words that Rafe had used back on Thanksgiving, “They are as thick as thieves. I assumed that he would need a breather once he got to college before they settled down.”

            You feel as if the air is slowly being sapped out of your lungs. Vaguely, you think of dementors from Harry Potter. Of course you do. Why do you relate everything in your life to that book series? You are lecturing yourself to avoid dealing with Mr. Adler, you realize as he looks back at you.

            “I thought it would be good for Rafe to have a roommate. Teach him some new things. He seems to enjoy your company as anyone with a new toy enjoys playing with it,” His tone is mild as if he isn’t dragging you to hell and back, “From his descriptions, you seem like a sensible young woman.”

            You are about to go, “He must not be describing me properly then.” But you manage to bite your tongue just in time.

            “I trust you won’t get too attached to my son. See, Nadine’s father and I are quite content to let the two of them work things out. Once they settle down and realize they are perfect for one another, it will let both of us know our companies will be in good hands once we are gone. Surely, you understand.”

            You want to tell him that you understand perfectly. Mr. Adler isn’t above threatening young women nor putting his hands on his son. You understand that he is content to waltz in here and try to convince you that Rafe has no interest in you, just Nadine. He is trying to inform you that Nadine is the one he has picked for his son, not a run-down looking woman wearing his son’s expensive jacket. He is keen to pit two women against one another.

            But you don’t get to reply because that is when Rafe comes into the room. You turn around and watch as what little color Rafe had in his face drains completely. He is wearing another jacket and is dressed in all black, as usual.

            “Father,” He says in a strained voice, “You’re early.”

            “You’re late. I’m on time,” Mr. Adler’s reply is as cold as the Arctic as his eyes flick over his son, “You’re disheveled. We have time before the party to fix that. Take Nadine’s gift and come with me.”

            Mr. Adler moves past you as if you are invisible, opening the door and stepping out into the hallway. He turns his head to Rafe, looking impatient. Rafe snaps into motion, as if someone had hit the resume button on him. He hurries over to the bed, picking up Nadine’s late Christmas present.

            On the way out, he looks at you. You can’t read the expression in his eyes. It is as if someone has shut off Rafe’s heart.

*

            “Okay, tell me this genius plan again.”

            “Right before it hits midnight, I’m going to make sure that I am near Nate,” Elena repeats the ‘plan’ for the millionth time that night, “And then I’m going to kiss him when it strikes midnight.”

            “Not really a plan, is it? More like…just acting on your feelings.” You wonder aloud.

            The New Year’s Eve party is in full swing. This time the school has moved it into the meeting hall. There are a lot more students here than there had been at Christmas. Apparently, everyone had gotten sick of their families.

            From here, you can see Sam trying to spike the punch. Nate is being the look-out. Elena has settled on tonight being the night that she finally kisses him. You aren’t too concerned about Nate rejecting a kiss from her. Even so, your friend is nervous and keeps sneaking glances at him.

            “Well, pretend it’s a plan. Sounds more important.” She replies.

            It is getting close to midnight and Rafe has not appeared. He has been with his dad for hours now and you are feeling antsy. You have to admit to yourself that you had been secretly daydreaming about kissing him again at midnight. You knew the odds of that were slim. His dad would be sure to ruin his mood completely.

            As if sensing your thoughts, Elena goes, “You’re watching the door again.”

            You groan, “Sorry. I really thought he’d be here by now.” You cut yourself off before you start to repeat what you have been discussing all night – Rafe’s father.

            “Don’t worry about it. Really. I get it.”

            As if your conversation has worked magic, it is just then that Rafe comes into the room with his dad. Your heart skips a beat and even though you want to look casual, you know you have perked up at the sight of him.

            Mr. Adler has made Rafe change. He is wearing a button up white dress shirt and black dress pants. His hair is slicked back and he is standing stiffly next to his dad. From here, you can tell he hasn’t relaxed at all today. His eyes are darting around the room and he looks as if he is ready to run away at the smallest sign of trouble.

            Mr. Adler, however, looks calm and collected. A teacher is already going over to him. You know that he has donated quite a bit of money to the college so it is not surprising that he will be fawned over tonight.

            You ache to speak to Rafe. It is like a physical need burning inside your chest. Where once seeing him sparked irritation, now all you feel is the urge to protect him. Wanting to protect Rafe Adler…who would have thought?

            “His dad looks how I expected,” Elena says to you as she looks over, “Looks like a guy I’d love to spill my drink on.”

            “Man, I’d love to do that.” You admit, imagining champagne spilling over his stupid ironed dress shirt.

            Elena grins as you watch Sam go over to Rafe. You try not to groan. You hope Sam can handle himself around Mr. Adler. There is no doubt in your mind he wouldn’t approve of Rafe being friends with Sam.

            “You should go over,” Elena nudges you and you look at her as if she is crazy, “No, hear me out. Mr. Adler thinks he scared you off. Prove him wrong.”

            “But he _is_ scary.”

            “Yeah, but you’re brave.” She grins at you.

            “Either that or stupid. Maybe I can get Rafe out of here. His dad is going to want to mingle all night and probably wouldn’t care enough to chase after him if he leaves.”

            “Leave that to me for a distraction. I got you covered,” She is pushing you forward now before you can ask what she means, “Go, go.”

            Sam is walking away from the two men as you pass him by. He raises his eyebrows at you but you aren’t sure what in the world that could mean. Ahead of you, Mr. Adler has pulled Rafe into a corner. Over the music, you can’t hear from this distance what is being said.

            You weave through the small crowd until you are close enough to hear the two men. Mr. Adler’s back is to you and Rafe is too focused on his father to see you standing so close. You can see that Mr. Adler is gripping Rafe’s arm. From far away, the touch looks casual, even friendly. You are closer, however, and can see that the knuckles on Mr. Adler’s hand is turning white from how hard he is gripping Rafe’s arm.

            “- Respectable crowd,” Mr. Adler is mid-rant, his voice low and angry, “And someone like Sam Drake is not respectable. That girl you are rooming with is not respectable. I am embarrassed at what you are doing over here. All I have given to you and you are squandering it. Look at me when I am speaking to you.”

            For a couple seconds, you see red. You imagine yourself turning Mr. Adler around and punching him in the face.

            “You’re hurting me,” Rafe replies through a forced smile and his voice is devoid of feeling, “Can you let go of my arm?”

            “You are lucky that we are here at this party or you would be –”

             It is then that Elena barrels past you. You blink, surprised as she heads over to Mr. Adler. She is tottering on her heels, unsteady as if she has been slamming drinks back all night. She slams right into Mr. Adler and her drink pours all over his white shirt.

            Rafe’s eyes go wide with mingled relief and horror. Mr. Adler lets go of his arm and you can see Rafe wince as he pulls his arm back.

            “Oh my god,” Elena slurs, sliding into her role, “I am like, so sorry, sir. I didn’t even see you there.”

            Mr. Adler’s face has frozen over like a thick layer of ice. When he smiles, it doesn’t reach his eyes.

            “Simple mistake, miss.” He says although his voice doesn’t sound as if he considers it a simple mistake.

            “I am so sorry,” She repeats, “The room is sorta spinning.” She laughs loudly as if she has told an extremely funny joke.

            Not wasting anymore time, you march over to Rafe and grab his hand. You practically yank him out of the room as Elena distracts his father. He protests a little but then falls silent as the two of you step out into the night air.

            It is freezing cold and is snowing. The snow is highlighted by the lamps that illuminate the pathways around the campus, making each snowflake appear as if it is glowing. Rafe is still holding onto your hand but hasn’t said anything. His fingers are curled around yours. It is the first time the two of you have touched since Christmas and you don’t want to let him go. You feel as if you let him go, he will be adrift and hard to recover.

            “Come on,” You say to him, “We’re going back to the room.”

            “But it’s almost midnight.” Rafe finally speaks – his voice is quiet and almost child-like.

            “Time doesn’t stop because we are going back to the dorms.” You reply.

            Rafe doesn’t answer. He glances back once at the building as if to see if his father is going to chase him down. No one comes. With a nod, he allows you to lead him through the campus. The two of you are silent. You feel as if Rafe is boiling underneath the surface of his glacial appearance. You think of a frozen ocean with the water churning and bubbling underneath.

            The dorm building is as quiet as a church when the two of you step inside. When you finally get back to your room, Rafe sits down on the side of his bed. He kicks off his shoes and looks at the floor. You don’t think you have ever seen him so defeated before. You aren’t sure what to do.

            You sit next to him on the bed. Up this close, you can see the bags underneath his eyes. This morning, he hadn’t shaved but his stubble is gone now. His dad must have made him. His fingernails are bitten to the quick. You reach for his hand and rest your fingers against his gently as if you are afraid he is going to shake you off.

            He doesn’t. It is more as if he doesn’t even realize you are there. Rafe is staring at the floor, lost in thought. For the first time, you aren’t sure what to do around him. Normally, the two of you are bickering. To have Rafe like this is brand new ground for you.

            Carefully, you roll up the sleeve of his dress shirt. Where Mr. Adler had gripped him are dark red marks. _Jesus,_ you think to yourself. You knew he had been holding onto him tightly but you hadn’t realized it had been that bad.

            “It’s fine.” He says robotically, ending the silence.

            “On what planet is this fine?” You say, your voice shaking a little.

            He is rolling his sleeve down, shrugging you off, “It’s minor. Elena wasn’t drunk, was she?”

            “No.” You reply after a beat of silence.

            Rafe turns his face to look at you. He is studying your face, tracing it with his eyes but doesn’t say anything.

            Nervously you go, “Are you mad?”

            A ghost of a smile crosses his face, “Why would I be mad?”

            “Well, that shirt he is wearing is ruined.”

            “Dad has a ton of those shirts. He’ll just be irritated some ‘drunk college girl’ ruined it.”

            You bite your bottom lip before going, “Are you okay?”

            There is a flicker of surprise in his face at your question as if he wasn’t expecting anyone to ask that. He looks back down at the floor. You can almost sense his desire to crawl back into himself and seal whatever he is thinking up.

            After a full minute of nothing but the quickening beat of your heart and Rafe’s breathing, he goes, “I don’t – I don’t know what I was expecting by dad coming here. I feel…” His words die as if he has no idea how to express himself and you can see just how much he is struggling.

            You hear laughter just outside the dorm building. A group of students must be outside, getting ready to ring in the new year. They feel a thousand miles away as one of them exclaims it is almost time.

            “I thought coming here would fix me,” Rafe finally says so softly you have to lean forward to hear him, “I thought I wouldn’t think of my dad anymore but seeing him tonight…it just reminded me of how much work I still have to do. How tightly he controls me.”

            “Rafe…” You start to say.

            But Rafe keeps going. It is as if that layer of ice has finally cracked and now the poisoned water is gushing out of his heart.

            “He comes back and all the work I’ve been trying to do these last few months, it all just slips away. I’m just back to being ten again, terrified of him, terrified of his hands. The worst part is he didn’t even have to touch me. He can just destroy me with a glance. It’s like he knows each part of me and he knows how he can make me feel like shit.”

            “But you aren’t shit –”

            He cuts you off swiftly, “Don’t. Don’t try to coddle me. I know what I’m like. I know how I’ve spoken to people. How I’ve spoken to…you,” He lingers on the last word before resuming, “The worst part is everything he says about me is right. All of it is right. I’ve let him down constantly over the years.”

            “You are not a bad person,” You say firmly, grabbing his hand, “You shouldn’t believe a word that your father says to you because it isn’t true, Rafe.”

            He finally looks up at you. His eyes are so dark it is as if you are staring at a painting of a night sky. His expression is unreadable. His breathing is coming faster now. There is a lock of his hair that has fallen in front of his eyes.

            “You shouldn’t – you shouldn’t waste your time with me,” He says in a strangled voice, as if he is trying to hold onto his control, “I’m not good for you. I’m not good enough for you. You need someone who won’t…who won’t ruin you.”

            Alarmed, you go, “You aren’t going to ruin me.”

            But he is shaking his head hard, “No, I’m broken,” His voice sounds as if it is cracking in half, as if it is all too much, as if all of this is all too much, “I’ve been thinking about that kiss. Ever since it happened. It’s been the only thing I’ve been thinking about. I’ve kissed so many people,” His breath catches, “And I’ve never thought about the kisses afterwards. But yours…”

            His hand tightens on yours. His eyes are looking at you desperately, as if he is trying to find something in you. You feel frozen. You couldn’t speak – and even if you could, you aren’t sure what you could even say.

            Outside the dorm room, the group of students are counting down the minute to when it will strike midnight. You can hear them drunkenly shouting the numbers at the sky… _59….58…57…_

“I will break your heart,” Rafe tells you, “I will break your heart because I’m – I’m too broken for this,” He gestures to the two of you, “I can’t…”

            His skin feels almost feverish. There is heat rolling off of his body. You have never seen this side of him, so raw and exposed. He looks terrified – of himself and of you. Your fingers tighten around his as you try to think of what to say.

            “Rafe,” You whisper as the counting outside grows louder, “You aren’t too broken for someone to care about you.”

            “I’m too broken to treat anyone right,” He gasps this out as if he has been physically hurt, “I will ruin you.”

            _10…9…8…_

“You don’t get to decide for me what I can do and who I can care about.” You tell him firmly.

            His hand breaks away from yours and for a spilt second you feel your heart drop into your stomach. Then his hand is pressing against your cheek. It is warm to the touch and you remember the way he had done the same thing on Christmas.

            Outside, the students are shrieking, “Happy New Year!” to one another. You dimly wonder if Elena is kissing Nate at this very moment. Rafe lets out a small noise in the back of his throat and then his lips are on yours.

            The kiss is feverish and sloppy. There is an urgency to this kiss, as if the New Year is bringing about the end of the world. Rafe’s tongue is in your mouth. You can taste his mint toothpaste again. Your hands instantly go around his neck, crushing his lips hard against yours. You can feel his pulse underneath your fingertips. It is racing so hard that you are amazed he hasn’t fainted. It is as if he has run ten miles and has only just stopped now.

            The kiss grows more desperate as you fall back on the bed. Rafe is now on top of you. His fingers are trailing up your bare skin underneath your shirt. The touch is electric. Goosebumps break out across your skin with his touch.

            Your hands drop from around his neck down to the buttons of his shirt. You start to unbutton them quickly. You don’t want to think anymore. The only thing you want – the only thing you completely crave – is all of Rafe at this very moment. Everything else is pushed to the background as you throw his shirt to the floor.

            The room is dim. Rafe had turned on the small desk lamp when the two of you had entered. Outside, you can hear fireworks going off. Students must have smuggled them in. One goes off and briefly illuminates the room. In the few extra seconds of light, you can see Rafe’s face. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are bright. He is drinking you in as if you are the most perfect form of self-destruction he has ever seen in his life.

            Then the room is dim again. Rafe is all shadows and angles. Your hands are running up his back, feeling the muscles under his warm skin. He buries his face in your neck and drags his lips along the curve to your chin. Then he gently bites on your bottom lip, tugging on it with his teeth.

            Your lips meet again, sloppy with teeth bashing together as he fumbles with the buttons on your blouse. You feel one pop off in his haste and he breaks the kiss.

            Slightly out of breath, he goes, “Sorry, I…”

            “Don’t care.” You manage to say before you are kissing him again.

            He lifts you up slightly in his arms, pulling the blouse completely off of you and tossing it to the floor. Then Rafe’s arms are circling around you. Your bare skin against his bare skin makes your head go light. You can feel how hard he is, straining against his trousers. You can feel how wet you are from just kissing him.

            Another firework goes off, bathing the room is coloured light. You take Rafe in. His unkempt hair, his flushed face, his fantastically fit chest. Then you are reaching for his waist, tugging him towards you by his belt as you yank it off of him.

            The two of you are completely naked in what feels like a couple seconds. Rafe lowers his hand to your pussy, running his finger along your wet folds before running his finger up your slit. You inhale sharply from the sudden pleasure. He keeps doing this – running his finger up and down, sometimes circling your clit – as he studies your face.

            A little embarrassed, you go, “Do you have to watch me like that?”

            Rafe stops just for a moment before circling your clit with his finger again and then goes, “You look beautiful. I love how responsive you are.”

            Another firework – more colour. This time his face is draped in shades of yellow and red. They frame his face and for a few seconds, Rafe looks like he belongs to another world. He looks so handsome that your heart aches. Then the colour fades away. The image stays with you, however, and you are tilting your face up for another kiss.

            Rafe responds eagerly as he slips a finger inside of you. You are curled against him as he pumps his finger in and out of you. You can feel his dick pressing against your thigh, can feel how hard he is with wanting you.

            Then he breaks the kiss and brings his lips to your nipples. He is biting and sucking each of them as his finger runs back up to your clit. You can’t take much more of this.

            “Rafe…” You manage to whimper.

            He looks up at you and can sense what you are asking him without even having to say it. He takes his finger out of you and then brings it up to his mouth, sucking on it to taste you. You watch, unable to speak. You feel as if each nerve and sense is hyper aware of every movement Rafe makes.

            He moves so that he is on top of you, skin against skin again. Your fingers graze through his hair as he gently spreads apart your thighs with his knees.

            “You taste delicious.” He murmurs in your ear as you grip his hair.

            Then Rafe is entering you. He goes slowly, letting each inch of him sink into you. You are so wet by this time that you practically swallow him up. You hear him curse and his face is buried in your neck again as his dick fills you up.

            Another firework. More colour. His body against yours, his hips lowering against yours, bathed in blue and gold, as he finally is all the way inside you. Your hands go from his hair to around his body, holding onto him.

            You turn your face to his, kissing his cheek. Rafe tilts his face to yours and your lips meet again. As you kiss, he begins to fuck you. Slowly at first, hardly moving at all. He is warm and thick inside of you and feels better than any other guy who has been in you before. He is stretching you out as he moves his hips.

            Then Rafe begins to pick up speed. You wrap your legs around his waist and are completely curled up against him. Your face is buried in his neck this time as you hold onto him. You can hear him breathing heavily as he begins to thrust inside you harder.

            At one point he enters you as deep as he can go. Your breath catches and your head falls back as you let out a quiet whimper. Rafe, who has been mostly silent until then, finally lets out a sound of pleasure. His chest rumbles when he moans. The sound, so vulnerable coming from Rafe’s lips, spurns you on more.

            You try to move your hips against his in a silent plea for more. Rafe gently pushes you down against the bed and moves away from you. With a space in between the two of you, he looks down to watch his cock slip back into you. He lets out a ragged gasp of pleasure as he watches you take all of him again.

            You moan his name which catches his attention from the sight of you swallowing up his cock. He leans back over you, cradling you in his arms. His lips are on yours as he begins to furiously pick up the pace.

            A firework goes off. This one is closer. The noise of it exploding is louder. The room is awash in red and green as Rafe pulls all the way out and then back inside of you. His hands slip underneath your ass, raising you up a bit so that when his dick thrusts inside of you, it is hitting that sweet spot.

            That alone almost drives you over to the edge. Your fingers press against his chest in pleasure. You can feel his heart fluttering underneath your fingertips as he rams into you again. Rafe lets out another moan, low and heavy in your ear as you buck your hips against him.

            You roll your head back, your eyes fluttering. You can hear the sound of your skin smacking together, the sound of your pussy swallowing him up with each thrust and you know you are going to finish. You have never finished this way before. You don’t know why you are surprised Rafe could make you finish this way.

            You start to moan his name as quietly as you can, over and over again, like a prayer. Rafe covers your mouth with his as if to have you fall silent. All you do is moan his name against his lips.

            “You going to cum for me?” His breath hitches as he asks you this.

            You are a quivering mess, unable to even give him a straight answer. You are so close – so completely close. Rafe’s breathing has picked up. Your toes are curling in pleasure as your nails dig into his back.

            “Cum on my cock for me, beautiful. I want to feel you cum around my cock.” Rafe’s voice is taunt as a wire and it is too much.

            Your body shakes and then you are cumming. Rafe’s fingers are in your hair, wrapping around it like a grip as he shudders. You are cumming together, perfectly in sync. Another firework goes off. Blue light coats the room as you hide your face in Rafe’s neck. You bite down on his skin on his shoulder in an attempt to be as quiet as possible.

            Rafe is repeating your name, over and over again, as if it will bring some form of salvation. As he comes down from his climax, he rests his head on your chest. Both of you are gasping for air, completely out of breath.

            Neither one of you speak. After the two of you catch your breath, you are still silent. Rafe is tracing lazy circles on your side with one finger. You are stroking his hair, watching the fireworks go off and create dizzying colours on the ceiling.

            There isn’t anything to say. Not tonight, anyway. As Rafe listens to your heart beat, you think about what he had said earlier – about breaking your heart, about ruining you.

            Maybe he will do all those things. Maybe the grip of his father will be too tight to ever have him to yourself.

            But for now, for this moment in the New Year, Rafe Adler is completely and utterly yours.


	6. Valentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending New Year's Eve together, you were half-hoping to get your happy ending. But happy endings are hard to come by. When Rafe pulls away from you and shuts you out, you are left attempting to move on with your life. With Valentine's Day upon you, the only thing that would perk you up is a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Rafe is hiding how he truly feels about you.

            When Rafe cut you out of his life, you weren’t surprised.

            Hurt, yes. But not surprised. He had warned you, after all. He had tried to tell you that he was going to break your heart…that he was too wounded to love someone properly. For the duration of the night you had spent with him, you had let yourself think that maybe it had been an overreaction on Rafe’s part. He had been emotional over seeing his dad and had been stripped raw, his soul on display for you.

            Perhaps it was the fact that he had bared his soul to you, plus dealing with his father, that had caused him to seal up on New Year’s Day. In the morning light, he had hurried off to see his dad and by the time he had gotten back to the dorm room, it was as if a light had been switched off inside his heart.

            “What planet are you on and how do I get there?”

            You blink, snapping back into the present day. You turn your head and see Elena looking at you. She is snacking on gummy bears and has shoved one too many in her mouth. She asks you something else but you can’t understand her.

            “Little overboard on the gummy bears there, buddy.” You say to her.

            She swallows them and laughs, “Sorry. I said you just saw him, didn’t you?”

            The two of you are in the courtyard at college. It is mid-afternoon and there are tons of students hurrying around or studying in groups underneath the large trees. With the holidays finally over, there was a collective feeling of everyone focused on getting through the rest of the school year. Everyone had been busy.

            But today, among the swaying branches of the trees and the crisp air hinting at spring, there is a hum of excitement and despair. It is Valentine’s Day. This means a mixture of happy couples sprinkled around the campus and disgruntled single students stomping their way to class.

            “Yeah, he was going to class.” You reply, embarrassed that it had been so obvious to Elena that you had seen Rafe.

            It is weird sharing a dorm room with someone that barely speaks to you. His father had been calling him regularly. You can tell when it is his dad and not Sam. When Sam calls, Rafe relaxes a bit (as much as Rafe can relax, anyway) whereas if it is his father, all the colour drains from his face.

            What poison is his dad spilling into his ear? It is the question that you have tossed about in your mind ever since the night Rafe had touched you. His dad’s iron grip on Rafe and obvious dislike of you was enough to have his son fall back in line.

            At first, you had tried to speak to Rafe anyway. Pushed through his silence. But the glacial exterior of his features never broke – it was clear that whatever access you had at one point with Rafe had been revoked.

            “Doesn’t matter,” You say, pushing the flash of Rafe out of your mind, “You seeing Nate tonight?”

            You hated to spend too much time discussing Rafe. There was nothing else to say. He had pushed you away and made it clear he wanted nothing more to do with you. If it were anyone else, you would say that you had gotten played. He had slept with you and left – open and shut case. But with Rafe, you knew, deep down, there was more to it than that.

            That flash of him crossing the courtyard, his jacket wrapped tightly around him to ward off the wind, holding his messenger bag, his hair slicked back – there was no sign of the man you had seen on New Year’s Eve. There probably wouldn’t ever be again.

            “Yes,” Elena replied, unable to hide the smile on her face, “We’re to drive into town for dinner.”

            “That sounds nice,” You say and mean it, “I hope you have a great time.”

            Elena looks sheepish, “I’m really looking forward to it.”

            “Well, of course you are. You have been crushing on Nate all year.”

            Elena’s New Year’s Eve had turned out differently. To the surprise of literally no one, Nate had kissed her when it struck midnight. Unlike how things turned out with Rafe, he hadn’t shut down after the kiss. The two of them had been dating ever since. It had been nice watching your best friend fall head over heels for a guy who had only ever treated her right.

            “What are you doing tonight?”

            “Homework. I have an essay to finish that I kept blowing off.”

            Elena looks at the time on her phone and gets off the bench, “I should go get ready.”

            “Text me later and tell me how it goes, okay?” You tell her and she agrees before walking off with a wave.

            Your shoulders slump once Elena is out of sight. You have been telling yourself that Valentine’s Day is just a regular day. There is no need to be getting depressed over it. But, as you head back to your dorm room, it feels almost impossible to ignore the wave of sadness that threatens to wash over you.

            No matter what you do, Rafe is still in the back of your mind. You had even slipped up and allowed yourself to day dream about him coming to you with flowers, telling you that he had told his dad to fuck off and he wanted to be with you. You had tried to come up with ways to get through to him – to try to tell him that you would be by his side no matter what his father tried to tell him. But Rafe didn’t want you by his side.

            When you open the door to the dorm room, you are expecting it to be empty. Rafe is at class. But the room isn’t empty. There is a gorgeous, dark skinned woman sitting on Rafe’s bed, flipping through a text book. Her hair is pulled up in a messy bun and she looks over at you when you enter.

            Maybe someone being in the dorm room would have shocked you months ago but you are used to people waiting in your room now. First, it was Rafe’s dad. Then Sam kept bursting in with a key that he had been given. Usually you could guess when Sam was in the room. Just follow the scent trail of cigarettes.

            “Rafe is in class,” You say, feeling tired, “Should be back in an hour or something.” You toss your bag on the bed.

            The woman tilts her head at you, studying you before holding out your hand, “I’m Nadine. Sorry to be in your room but Rafe let me in and told me to wait.”

            Of course this is Nadine. She is gorgeous and the muscles in her arms let you know that she could kick your ass at any moment. You can imagine Rafe standing next to her. They would look like a couple you would see in magazines. Next to her, you feel inadequate.

            You shake her hand and introduce yourself before gingerly sitting down in your bed across from her. This is awkward. Rafe hadn’t been speaking to you and now Nadine is here. Is she going to try to posture with you and attempt to make you feel as if you need to make sure to never look at Rafe twice?

            But instead she smiles – a beautiful smile that lights up her entire face – before going, “I know this is a bit awkward. I’ve heard a lot about you from Mr. Adler.”

            “Ah,” You click your tongue against the roof of your mouth, “My biggest fan.”

            At this, she laughs and tilts her face downward. She really is gorgeous. Suddenly, you don’t feel jealous at all over her. You just want to sketch her. Is this what being Rafe Adler is like? Being surrounded by gorgeous people yet being completely and utterly emotionally unavailable?

            “You know, Rafe invited me to visit him for Valentine’s Day and I almost said no.”

            “Why is that?”

            “Because he isn’t interested in me.”

            At this, your heart skips a bit but you play dumb, “You two used to date, didn’t you?”

            “Ah, yes. We did. We technically are again.”

            You should be surprised but like everything with Rafe, you just feel numb. You hadn’t considered the possibility of him returning to Nadine but you should have. That is what Mr. Adler wants.

            “But I’ve come here to break things off.”

            Startled, you make a sort of strange noise before going, “What, why?”

            Nadine leans back slightly in his bed, looking away from you and around the room. Even though the ‘force field’ hasn’t been put back up, it might as well have been. The two of you never crossed into each other’s personal space now.

            But Nadine’s long legs are stretched out across the invisible line as she takes in the differences in the room. Your side is a mess, chaotic and filled with art stuck to the walls with thumbtacks. Rafe’s is orderly, without anything out of place. He makes his bed every morning. You can’t remember the last time you did that.

            “My father and his are very keen on the two of us being together. Sort of old fashioned, don’t you think? Breaking things off with Rafe, for good, is going to cause a lot of headaches for me.”

            “You don’t like Rafe?” You ask curiously.

            “I do like Rafe,” Nadine replies slowly as if she is thinking of how to word her reply, “But I don’t love Rafe. I don’t want to be tied to Rafe because our fathers want us to be together for some business reason. That isn’t how I want to live my life. So I’d rather deal with onslaught of trouble and turmoil it will bring from Mr. Adler and my father than be with someone I don’t want to be with.”

            You turn this over in your mind. You cannot imagine how Mr. Adler is going to take this. Another piece of his control, slipping through his fingers, another piece of his master puzzle being shoved out of place.

            “Mr. Adler said you two just needed a breather.” This comes spilling out of you, your desire to know as much as possible growing.

            “And what, we’d come back to each other?” She arches an eyebrow and shakes her head, “No. No, see, I don’t think it would work out even if I was in love with Rafe.”

            “Why not?”

            Nadine is looking at you now and stands up. She stretches like a cat. You can smell her lotion. It smells faintly of citrus. You suddenly have the urge to buy lotion for yourself so you can smell as nice.

            “Because he’s in love with you.” Is all Nadine says.

*

            When Rafe comes back from class an hour and a half later, you are sure he isn’t expecting to walk in on Nadine and you curled up around your laptop watching reality TV. No, by the look on his face, he looks as if he had been expecting to find the two of you fighting.

            “Oh my god,” Nadine is saying, cramming popcorn in her mouth, “I hope she gets eliminated. She has such a terrible attitude,” Her eyes flick up from the laptop screen to Rafe, “You’re back.”

            Rafe glances at you – the first time in what feels like ages since he has looked at you – and runs his hand through his hair, “Nadine.”

            “Rafe,” She looks at you, “I guess you will have to tell me who is eliminated. Text me.”

            Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Rafe mouth ‘text me’ to himself in utter confusion. Nadine slips off the bed and grabs Rafe arm, leading him out of the dorm room. You watch the two of them leave with mixed feelings.

            Pausing the reality show, you lean back against the pillows. After Nadine had said that Rafe loved you, you didn’t know what to say. Sensing this, she had changed topics. Before long, the two of you had been discussing a mutual and secret love of reality television. Watching it together had allowed you to forget that she was going to be breaking up with Rafe. She had even given you her phone number to keep in touch, apparently taking a liking to you.

            Now, however, you are faced with an empty dorm room. How is Rafe going to react when Nadine dumps him? On Valentine’s Day, of all days? How is Mr. Adler going to take it? You are sure you will get blamed in some way from him.

            You hardly have any time to think about how Rafe is going to act because he storms back into the room a mere twenty minutes later. He looks furious. Actually, he looks like the Rafe you knew back from orientation. The spoiled, rich kid Rafe who had been convinced his dad was going to get him a private room. (You are sure Mr. Adler regrets that decision now.)

            “What did you do?” He demands to know as he throws his jacket on the bed.

            “Excuse me?”

            “What did you do? What did you say to Nadine?”

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You attempt to feign ignorance over the break-up but you can tell Rafe doesn’t believe you.

            “A week ago, she was fine. With us. With everything we had planned out. And now today, she comes here and dumps me. Spouting off some bullshit about love and how we can’t be together.”

            “How the hell is that my fault?” You say, already losing your cool with his attitude.

            “You tell me. She spent an hour with you. You two, all bundled up like best friends,” He stabs his finger towards you as if you are hiding something, “So, what? You think that if she dumps me, I’ll date you?”

            You swear you are seeing red. It has been a long time since you have been irritated with Rafe. But the feeling is like riding a bicycle – easy to fall back into and pick up again.

            “Are you fucking kidding me?” You exclaim, getting to your feet, “Are you really that self-absorbed? You think I’m over here pining for you because you backed out of discussing your feelings? Why don’t you just admit what this is really about, Rafe? It’s about your dad.”

            His eyes narrow at you, “Don’t. Don’t bring him up.”

            “Why? Don’t feel like delving into daddy issues on Valentine’s Day?” Your tone is frosty and Rafe takes a step away from you, looking furious.

            “I’m not going back with you. You get that, right? You and I are too different. We are part of different worlds. New Year’s Eve was a mistake.”

            “That isn’t you speaking. It’s your father,” You keep going, pressing harder to make that layer of ice crack, “You’re just too afraid to take a chance with me because you know it will cause problems with your dad. But Nadine dumped you and knows the backlash she is going to have to deal with. She’s prepared to live her own life, Rafe.”

            “Don’t!” He exclaims, his voice scraped raw as he holds one hand out as if to ward you off, “Don’t pretend you fucking know me. You don’t know anything about me. So just stop.”

            Relentlessly, you go on, “I know you absolutely have to fold your clothes when they get out of the dryer because you are paranoid about wrinkles. I know you like to sleep on your side although sometimes your arm goes numb and you start to roll around. I know you love Britney Spears even though you pretend you only listen to her when you work out. I know you like to read history books and you secretly hate crowds. I know you have a weak point for Sam even though he is the complete opposite of you. I know your father hurt you, mentally and physically, and you think you are tarnished and not deserving of love. I know what you feel like inside of me. I know you, Rafe.”

            Rafe has gone silent. His eyes are wide and unreadable. He is staring at you but his mouth is pressed in a thin line as if he is debating what to do. You brace yourself. For what, exactly, you aren’t sure. For him to tell you that you are right? Or for him to push you away?

            Finally, in a shaky and small voice, Rafe goes, “Why won’t you just fucking listen to me? For once in your life, just listen to me. I keep telling you to go away and you won’t.”

            “What the hell are you talking about? We have barely talked to each other since the night we slept together!” You exclaim angrily, “You shut me out and I let you because what am I supposed to do? I have my own life going on. I don’t just orbit around you, Rafe, as much as you’d like to flatter yourself that I do.”

            “Just shut up! Jesus Christ.” He is turning around now, looking for his messenger bag.

            “Sure, walk out,” You say brutally, “I’m sure you have to prepare yourself for your dad to try to convince you Nadine breaking up with you is your fault.”         

            He ignores you, picking up his bag. You go over to him but stop yourself from reaching out for him. Instead, you put yourself in front of him so he can’t get by you right away. This forces Rafe to look at you. His skin is flushed. He is jittery, like a cornered animal. Even though you seriously want to lose your shit at him, you can’t help but want to reach out and hug him at the same time. Damn him for making you feel this way.

            “Rafe,” You say slowly, trying to drain the hostility out of your voice, “You have shit you need to work through. Allow yourself to care about someone won’t fix yourself but it’s a start.”

            “I don’t care about you at all.” He says savagely before brushing by you, slamming the door shut behind him.

            You stand there and feel exhausted. It comes over you in waves. Numbly, you go over to your bed and sit on the edge of it. You study Rafe’s side of the room, as if it will give you answers Maybe deep down, you had secretly hoped Nadine deciding to end things with him would have led him back to you. You didn’t imagine New Year’s Eve. You didn’t make up the way the two of you had felt together.

            But Rafe is in full on panic mode right now. Mr. Adler was going to try to convince Nadine to go back to his son. When she didn’t, he would blame Rafe. You understood he was in a bad head space but…

            You keep repeating Rafe’s words in your head – _I don’t care about you at all_ – they were so harsh, stabbing your ear drums like small knives. Had he meant it? Maybe you had misread the situation entirely.

            You are debating just curling up into bed and having this horrendous holiday over and done with. You’ll get up super early and finish your essay tomorrow morning at the library. You stretch your legs out and childishly nudge one of Rafe’s books underneath his bed out of place. It falls over and you take small satisfaction in seeing his perfect pile ruined.

            You are about to turn over and flop into bed when you stop. There is a book behind the one you had knocked off the pile. You get down on the floor and yank it out from underneath Rafe’s bed. Turning it over in your hands, you can only stare at it. This is it – confirmation in your own hands that Rafe cares about you, that Nadine’s words of him loving you might have some kernel of truth to them.

            You run your fingers over the cover of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ , knowing this means Rafe has read the three before this one, and a smile breaks out across your face.    


	7. Spring Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Spring Break finally upon everyone, Sam, Rafe, Elena, Nate and yourself decide to spend the week in town. Even though Rafe and you still are hardly speaking, you are determined to let loose and have some fun. Perhaps a week of being a drunken college student is just what you need to move on from the fact Rafe isn't ever going to come back to you.

            “Please get me out of this car. If I have to hear Sam sing along to Beyoncé’s _Sorry_ one more time, I am going to lose it.” Rafe says as he is struggling to get out.

            “I find it very empowering.” Sam replies as he gets out of the car.

            “I don’t think it’s supposed to be empowering for you.” Elena says dryly.

            You have a headache and don’t reply. With spring break ahead of you, what had originally been Rafe and Sam heading to town an hour away had turned into you, Nate, and Elena joining in as well. Rafe is even paying for the hotel rooms in an uncharacteristic act of generosity.

            You aren’t sure how he even feels about you being here. Since your fight on Valentine’s Day, it isn’t as if the two of you had gotten close again. Even with the knowledge that Rafe was going through the _Harry Potter_ series secretly, you were still second guessing he had any actual feelings for you. You were only tagging along because Elena had wanted you to and you hadn’t ever actually been to town yet.

            Rafe walks past you to go into the hotel lobby to check in. When he walks past you, you get a hint of his cologne and instantly flash back to images of his lips on yours and his skin against yours. Ugh, when will this stop? It is ridiculous. Pining after someone who clearly isn’t into you anymore…have you really gotten this low?

            Sam is already lighting a cigarette up next to you, ignoring the sign that says there is no smoking. Your headache had been part stress due to sitting next to Rafe the entire hour long drive. Being that close to him had totally thrown you off balance. He had looked out of the window the entire time and hadn’t said a word to you. All you wanted to do was reach out and touch his hand but you knew there was no point. He’d shake you off and you couldn’t bear the thought of his rejection yet again.

            The other cause of your headache had definitely been Sam’s singing. Nate and Sam had bickered about who was going to drive until they had flipped a coin. Sam had won. That meant that he was allowed to pick the music. Normally, that was fine. But he had to sing along to Beyoncé’s _Lemonade_ album the entire drive to town. Singing was not Sam’s strong suit. You aren’t sure if you were ever going to be able to listen to that album in the same way again.

            “Rafe still not speaking to you?” He asks you suddenly.

            Surprised, you look at him. You hadn’t spoken to Sam about Rafe in regards to dating him at all. But Sam seemed to have an uncanny ability to see everything going on even when you didn’t think he was paying attention to you.

            “Sometimes he grunts. Improvement, right?”

            “Maybe things will turn around on this vacation. We’re away from the school.”

            You turn to look at him. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Nate talking to Elena. He is running his fingers down the side of her arm as she looks up and smiles at him. They look so completely happy together. You don’t feel jealous. You’re happy that your best friend is happy. You just secretly wish Rafe would look at you how Nate looks at Elena.

            “Maybe. But I doubt it,” You narrow your eyes, “What do you know, anyway?”

            Sam holds up his hands, “No, no. I’m not saying anything. You two can figure it out for yourselves.”

            You feel a flash of irritation in spite of your best efforts, “If you could just tell me if I am wasting my time pining over an asshole, at the very least.”

            “Oh, you’re definitely pining for an asshole,” Sam says as he takes a drag off his cigarette but then he grins at you, “He’s got a soft spot for you though.”

            Before you can reply, Sam is walking away from you. You watch in frustration as he goes over to Nate. You know he is Rafe’s best friend but you wish you could get him to spill everything. Damn Sam for being a loyal and kind guy.

*

            It is no surprise to you that almost everyone from the college is in town for spring break. If they didn’t go home, they came here. The bar everyone ends up later in the night is absolutely packed with people. Elena grips your arm, as if she is afraid the two of you will be torn apart and swallowed up.

            Behind you, you can dimly hear Rafe grumbling to Sam, who isn’t paying attention at all. The Drake Brothers are both cutting through the crowd towards the bar, practically steam rolling anyone foolish enough to stand in their way. The music is loud and you can smell cigarettes and weed, a cloying scent that fills the air.

            Normally, you’d hate this but you find yourself liking the vibe tonight. This is your first “true” Spring Break. You want to enjoy it, no matter how ultimately juvenile the entire thing is.

            So when Sam and Nate come back with shots for everyone, you slam it back. It burns your mouth and down your throat but you don’t mind. Rafe holds his shot gingerly, as if it might scorch him if it touches his skin. You see Sam ask him something but Rafe shakes his head. Then he is pulling his phone out of his pocket. Someone is calling him but you can’t tell who it is.

            Rafe excuses himself, weaving his way through the bar. Your heart constricts. You could tell it hadn’t been his father by the way that he had maintained composure. Was it Nadine? Sometimes she would text you and ask you how you were doing but she hadn’t mentioned Rafe. Are they getting back together?

            The idea of Rafe having a girlfriend, even Nadine, spurs you to take another shot that Sam is offering. You swig it back and try not to make a revolted face. God, shots are gross. Sam and Nate, however, don’t seem to be bothered by them. They slam a second round back and go to order a third.

            Elena leans over to you, “I’m going to regret this tomorrow!”

            “You and me both!” You shout back.

            Even though you know you will hate yourself come tomorrow morning, you don’t refuse a third shot when Nate offers you one.

*

            “I won that one!” Elena shouts at you over the noisy din of the bar.

            “No way! And Nate can’t be a judge – he’s completely partial to you!” You point to Nate who is off to the side.

            Elena had challenged you to a dance off. All three of you are extremely drunk by this point in the night. Sam is over by the bar, flirting with any woman who walks by. You think you see Rafe over there as well but you keep telling yourself you don’t care. The best part? The more you drink, the less you actually do.

            “What? I’m not!” Nate says, “She did better by pure skill.”

            “You’re so full of shit.” You say with a laugh before the song suddenly changes to something you know.

            In your drunken state of mind, you turn around and decide you have to alert Rafe to the fact the place is playing a remix of a Britney Spears song. It is suddenly the most important thing you have to do.

            You cut through the crowd, leaving Elena dancing on Nate, which you are sure he will be able to handle, as you go to the bar. Rafe looks up at you approaching. He is holding a glass of water. Of course he isn’t drinking. No way is he going to give up any control at all, even on spring break.

            “Rafe!” You slur as you reach out and wrap your fingers around his bicep, “It’s your song!”

            He looks alarmed as Sam turns around, “What? This?”

            You point up, as if the song is a physical being that you can see, and go, “It’s a remix of _Make Me_ by Britney Spears and Rafe loves –”

            Rafe is suddenly yanking you away from Sam. You sputter in protest as he leads you off to the corner of the bar.

            “What is your deal? I didn’t even get a drink!”

            “You’re drunk.” Rafe says darkly, “Which is the only reason I will excuse you potentially blabbing about Britney Spears to Sam.”

            “Who cares?” You hiccup, “He sang to Beyoncé the entire drive here. Rafe, you like, really need to lighten up. Come on.”

            You are pulling him onto the dance floor. His protests are swallowed up by the music as you turn to face him. The dance floor is slightly warping underneath your feet and you say a silent prayer that you won’t fall flat on your ass because of your high heels. In the flashing, colored lights of the club, you can see Rafe’s face change depending on the light. Blue – he is looking at you with an unreadable expression in his eyes. Red – you are putting your hands on his waist. Yellow – you are dancing and you don’t care if Rafe doesn’t like it.

            As you move to the beat, the music hums along every nerve in your body. You haven’t ever danced to music like this while drunk and it is a pleasant sort of feeling. You don’t really care who is looking at you and that includes Rafe. You had dragged him out on a whim and now you are moving around him as he stands there like a statue.

            You aren’t sure how much time passes before Rafe’s hand is suddenly around your waist. Seconds? Minutes? The remix is still blaring so it couldn’t have been that long. But his arm is around your waist and you are pulled against him.

            The movement knocks the air out of your lungs as you look up at him. Your head swirls slightly but you can’t tell if it is from Rafe’s touch – the first in months – or how drunk you are.

            His fingers are curled around your side. In your dancing, your shirt has been raised enough that you can feel his fingertips against your bare skin. He is looking down at you. The way the colours flash across his skin remind you of New Year’s Eve and the fireworks. Your breath catches and you wonder if he is going to kiss you right here on the crowded dance floor.

            But then the song ends. In the couple seconds of silence between it ending and a new song starting, Rafe lets go of you and steps away. He is shaking his head, as if he has woken up from a dream.

            Then he turns and walks away, leaving you alone.

*

            “No shit!” You exclaim, leaning forward, “I don’t believe you.”

            “Why not?”

            “You’re trying to tell me you went around the world exploring and finding all this treasure but you’re still here,” You jab your finger against the table, “In this shitty bar, in this shitty town. I think it’s just a pick-up line.”

            The man sitting across from you – you don’t even know his name yet – grins at you. He has been flirting with you for ten minutes and has currently been trying to impress you with stories of his world travels. As drunk as you are, you aren’t stupid and don’t believe a word.

            “I’m just here to meet someone.” The man replies, with a slight accent you haven’t pinpointed yet.

            You burst out laughing, “Yeah, okay.”

            “But I made you laugh. I get points for that, at least, right?” He says, leaning forward.

            “Maybe. Probably not though,” You grin, “Sorry. I don’t even know your name.”

            The man holds out his hand to you, “Harry. Harry Flynn.”

            “Wow, first and last name, you must really want me to excuse myself to the bathroom and look you up on Facebook.” You say as you shake his hand.

            Harry smiles at you. Even though you know this will lead nowhere because you are drunk and are starting to feel extremely tired from all the booze in your system, it is sort of nice to have someone flirting with you.

            Behind Harry, Elena is somehow still dancing. She has the energy of a thousand suns when it comes to drunkenly dancing. Even Nate has tapped out, and is sitting on a bar stool, watching Elena. He has wisely switched to water which all of you should probably be doing at this point.

            On the opposite side, Sam has some girl in his lap and has his tongue down her throat. That guy sure can move fast.

            You finish off your beer – another mistake for you since you mixed drank both shots, booze and one vodka cranberry – and then slouch in your chair.

            “You okay?” Harry asks suddenly, getting up and going over to you, “You look like you’re going to vomit, mate.”

            “I should probably get back to the hotel.” You admit.

            “Where are you? I can walk you back.” He offers.

            “She doesn’t need your help.”

            You look up and see Rafe has magically appeared again. He is standing next to Harry and his glare looks as if he is shooting daggers at him. Harry’s eyes widen slightly from Rafe’s hostile tone.

            “I was just offering –”

            “Why don’t you go hit on someone else, _mate_? I can take it from here.”

            “Do you even know this guy?” Harry asks you.

            The entire floor is moving now. You feel as if you are bobbing around on top of the ocean in a sinking ship.

            “I’m her boyfriend,” Rafe is saying to Harry, “So, why don’t you get the fuck away from me?”       

            “Rafe,” You say dizzily, “Don’t be so hostile.”

            Harry holds up his hands, “She didn’t say anything about having a boyfriend.”

            You want to explain that Rafe isn’t your boyfriend but you are pretty sure you are either going to pass out or puke. Harry is walking away, probably regretting ever coming over to speak to you, as Rafe helps you to your feet.

            “You’re so mean,” You mumble in his ear, “He wasn’t doing anything wrong. And you aren’t my boyfriend.”

            “Don’t vomit on my shoes.” Is all Rafe says in reply.

            As he helps you through the bar, the two of you stop briefly to tell Nate what is going on. Then you are outside in the night air which is a welcome relief from the suffocating scent of cigarette, body odor, and weed. Your head rolls back as Rafe keeps a tight grip on your waist.

            “Let go of me.” You demand.

            “Fine.” Rafe growls and releases you.

            The swooping sensation of being on a ship in rough seas comes back to you and you pitch forward. Rafe grabs you back and holds you steady again.

            “Fine. Fine,” You relent, “You can hold me but only because I don’t want to fall over. That’s it.”

            “Come on. Hotel is across the street. You drank your own weight in booze tonight and you’re going to black out soon.”

            “You don’t own me!” You declare randomly and you hear Rafe stifle a sigh.

            The two of you make it across the street. But your stomach is rolling by this point and you can feel the full effect of just how much you have had hitting you square in the face. You push yourself away from Rafe, remembering his dire warning about barfing on his shoes.

            Gripping a light post, you bend over and start retching your guts up. Rafe hurries over and pulls your hair back. If you weren’t so drunk, you would be completely mortified by this. But Rafe doesn’t say anything. Holding your hair back with one hand and rubbing your back with the other, he remains quiet as you vomit up everything on the sidewalk.

            When you are done, you just want to crawl into bed and die. Rafe is holding you upright again as you make it to the hotel. After a few more minutes, he has you in your hotel room. You are technically supposed to be sharing this room with Elena although you have a feeling she will be crashing with Nate, causing Sam to bunk with Rafe.

            You practically crawl into bed, kicking your shoes off. As you pull the blanket over you, the last thing you remember is Rafe brushing a lock of hair off your cheek. Then everything is dark.

*

            _I am never drinking again;_ you think to yourself. Of course, how many times across the years has that been uttered by millions and millions of people? Hungover people all over the globe right now were probably declaring the same thing, hunched over toilet bowls or wearing sunglasses as they scatter like cockroaches away from the smallest hint of sunlight.

            The clock above the TV in your room shows it is ten at night. The entire day had been a wash. You were up all night puking. Then you were gulping down so much water and taking enough pills for your migraine that Elena had taken the bottle away from you.

            Elena was also hungover but she was Classy Hungover. She had that gorgeous model hungover look to her. Bags under her eyes that seemingly gave her a hint of twisted beauty. Her skin was pale but not clammy looking. When she left to go out with everyone, she had offered to stay with you.

            But you had said no. If Elena was feeling well enough to go out, there was no way you were going to have her stay inside with you. Sam wasn’t hungover at all. Nate was doing fine as well. You weren’t going to spoil her fun.

            You hadn’t heard or seen Rafe since last night. Watching some infomercial on the TV, you tried to remember what happened last night. He had gotten you to the hotel room. You were also pretty sure he had told that poor Harry guy that he was your boyfriend before you puked on a sidewalk.

            A knock on the door snaps you out of your thoughts. You get out of bed and open the door. To your surprise, Rafe is standing there. He has his hands shoved in his jean pockets. His hair is messy, a sure fire sign that he has been probably walking around and thinking too much. You try to avoid looking at the way his grey t-shirt is a size too small on him or shows off the muscles in his chest.

            “Rafe. Hey.” You try to keep your tone casual as if this isn’t out of the ordinary.

            “How are you feeling?”

            “Pretty terrible. I have a headache for the ages. You didn’t go out with everyone tonight?”

            “No. Can I come in?”

            “Oh, sure.” You say, moving to the side, trying to ignore the fact your heart is starting to beat quickly.

            This is the most that Rafe had spoken to you since Valentine’s Day – and neither of you were at your best on that day. He has his back to you now. You feel frozen in place, unsure of why he had stopped by.

            Wanting to fill the silence, you go, “Thanks for helping me last night. It was you, right? I didn’t get puke on your shoes, did I?” You add as an afterthought, wondering if that is why he came by – to hand you a bill or something.

            “What? No. You did a fantastic job of projectile vomiting away from my shoes.” Rafe says as he turns to face you.

            “Great. I can put that on a resume.” You try to joke but it comes out flat.

            “I realized something last night.”

            “That I’m a fuck-up?” Damn it. You can’t stop trying to joke.

            To your surprise, you see the corners of Rafe’s mouth quirk up as if he is trying to ward off a smile, “I realized that ages ago. That isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about.”

            “Okay,” You cross your arms, “What is it?”

            Rafe runs his fingers through his hair and goes over and sits on the edge of the bed. He is looking at the TV now. A woman is selling some sort of teeth whitening kit. By the way Rafe is watching, it appears to be the most fascinating thing he has ever seen.

            “Okay, so silence it is then.” You finally say, losing patience and going over to sit next to him, “That’s fine. We can just watch this woman sell this wonderful teeth whitening kit.”

            He glances at you and swallows hard. At least he doesn’t tense up when you sit down next to him. Why is he so nervous? You feel nervous now too and all your jokes seem to dry up in your mouth.

            Finally, Rafe goes, “I think I…sort of fucked everything up.”

            “Can you be a little more specific?”

            “I didn’t treat you well after New Year’s Eve.”

            “No shit.”

            He tilts his face to look at you. How can someone just looking at you make your heart race like it does? You have had boyfriends in the past and they never made you feel the way did. It was always as if you were staring into the sun. Dangerous and stupid yet you couldn’t look away.

            “I thought I was protecting you. After we…”

            “Slept together.” You say, refusing to let him skirt around it.

            You can see the faintest tinge of a blush on his cheeks before he goes, “Yeah. Right. When we slept together. You know, I saw dad after and he was just…being himself. I froze up. I thought – I made a choice for you. I decided you didn’t need to deal with myself and the troubles my dad would bring to your life. I wasn’t worth that. So I just sealed you out.”

            You are surprised by all of this. You definitely weren’t expecting Rafe to come into the room and actually speak to you like this. You don’t reply, afraid if you say anything it will startle him into silence. The whole thing is reminiscent of New Year’s Eve except Rafe doesn’t seem upset, just nervous.

            “At the time, it made perfect sense. I was protecting you. Right? I was the good guy in the scenario because I was keeping you safe from dealing with me. Dealing with my dad. It wasn’t until Valentine’s Day I started to waver.”

            “Why?” You ask in spite of your best intention to keep silent.

            “When Nadine broke up with me, it felt like the entire situation was slipping out of control. My father and her father had basically planned out our entire relationship and I hadn’t ever wavered from it. Dad had ordered it so I just did it like always. When she dumped me – it forced me to reconsider what I did. Really consider. I shouldn’t have just picked for you like that.”

            “How did your dad take the break-up?”

            “He just assumes she’ll come back. He doesn’t believe Nadine really wants to move on with her life. He thinks she will come back to me after college ends or something.”

            “And you?”

            “What?”

            “You want her to come back when college ends?”

            Rafe looks at you for a long second before he replies, “No. That isn’t what I want.”

            “Well…what do you want then?” You try to keep your voice level but it cracks near the end from nerves.

            Slowly, Rafe moves his hand to trail over your lips. The touch is gentle and unexpected. Your fingers grip the sheets of the bed as if it is a lifeline.

            “I want you.” He whispers and his voice is so fragile that it sounds like ice cracking and breaking, “If you’ll have me. If you’ll be patient with me…standing up against my father…and dealing with me, all of me. The good and mostly bad.”

            His eyes are wide as if he cannot believe he has said this to you but he doesn’t waver. His fingers are still resting on your lips. You can feel your heart beating so quickly that you feel faint.

            “Last night,” Rafe goes, answering your unspoken question, “When I saw that guy hit on you. After we danced. I just – I thought – what am I doing? I keep trying to stay away from you when it’s pointless. Nadine even called me last night,” You recall Rafe getting a phone call and leaving, “Literally just to nag me about you about when I was going to ask you out. You have such a positive effect on people. I haven’t seen anyone win Nadine over so quickly. Anyway…”

            You can’t reply. You feel as if you are afraid to move even an inch – as if this might be a dream.

 “I want to topple of the cliff and give up control because I want to be with you. I want to face down my dad because I want to be with you,” His breath hitches and then he asks, “Will you have me?”

            As if there is any other answer besides, “Yes.”

            As soon as the word leaves your mouth, Rafe is leaning over and kissing you. His lips are as warm as you remember yet the nerves that had controlled him New Year’s Eve are gone. Instead, he is solid, touching you with hands that are familiar – hands you never thought you would feel in your hair again.

            When the kiss ends, you are craving more. You bite on his bottom lip and tug it gently with your teeth. You can feel him smile against your teeth. But even though you want him more than anything in the world, your migraine is making you feel slightly sick again. Terrified you are going to do something terrible, like vomit again, you pull away a little.

            Rafe cups your hand with his face and runs his thumb across your cheek, “You look like shit. But I mean that in the nicest way.”

            You laugh, “You look bad too.”

            “Of course I do. I’m on practically no sleep and kept thinking of you. I’m always thinking of you.”

            “Will you stay here tonight?” You ask, panicked at the thought of him leaving, “Elena won’t care. She’ll want to stay with Nate anyway and Sam would love a private room.”

            “Yes, I’m sure the woman he brings back will be…lovely.” He lingers on the last word before nodding, “I’ll stay.”

            Feeling so happy that you can (almost) ignore your killer migraine, you crawl back into bed. Rafe slips into the sheets as well and pulls you against him. Resting your head on his chest, you can hear the steady beat of his heart. You recall the first time you heard his heart beat, back on Halloween, in the haunted house. That feels like a lifetime ago.

            But you are here now with him. Taking in the familiar scent of his cologne and clean laundry, your eyes start to grow heavy.

            Before you fall asleep, you mumble, “Rafe, what Hogwarts house are you in? You’re done the series by now, right?”

            Rafe’s grip tightens on you, “What?” He asks, trying to play dumb.

            “I found the book under your bed on Valentine’s Day. Did you like them?”

            “They were a bit far-fetched.” He replies stiffly, clearly embarrassed at you knowing he has read them.

            “You’re a total Slytherin.” You say with a yawn, snuggling down against him.

            You feel Rafe’s fingers in your hair, running through it, before he sighs and goes, “I really am, aren’t I?”

 


	8. Easter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spending Easter with Rafe's father is the last thing you feel like doing. But when Rafe asks for you to come with him, how can you say no? You aren't sure if he is going to be able to face down his dad but you feel confident that no matter what happens, it is going to be a mess either way.

            “Wow, this looks…lovely.” You finish lamely.

            “You don’t have to try to pretend it doesn’t look like a creepy old manor. I know it looks like a creepy old manor.” Rafe replies as the driver opens up the door to get out of the car.

            “Looks like the place in _Rocky Horror Picture Show_.” You say as you follow him out of the car.

            “Never saw it.”

            You aren’t surprised but decide not to poke fun of him for that. The two of you are currently standing outside of his father’s manor. When Rafe had asked for you to come with him to his father’s place for Easter, you had balked at the idea. Spending a holiday with his dad sounded like the most horrific holiday of your life.

            But Rafe had practically pleaded with you to come along. In the month that had passed since Spring Break, he hadn’t asked you for much. No, ever since he had asked you out, he had been content to just be around you. He would wait for you outside of class if the schedules worked out that way. He would make sure to have dinner with you, dragging Sam along sometimes. If Elena ate with you and brought Nate along, Rafe was even civil to him even though you knew he didn’t like Nate at all.

            How could you say no? He was your boyfriend after all.

            _Nope_ , you think to yourself as you follow Rafe to the front doors, still surreal to think of Rafe as your boyfriend. After everything you had gone through with him, you didn’t actually think the two of you would ever be an item.

            “You okay?” You ask him after he knocks on the door.

            Rafe exhales. He looks a bit twitchy, in all honesty, but you didn’t want to point it out. You are nervous about seeing Mr. Adler as well but didn’t want to say that aloud. Then Rafe would be worried about you on top of everything else.

            “No,” He admits, glancing at you, “Listen, whatever my shit my dad says to you – just ignore it. I know that sounds ridiculous coming from me and how much I definitely can’t seem to ignore it but we’re here to show him I’m with you. The entire purpose of this Easter trip is so I can show him he doesn’t control me anymore.”

            “Right, that you’re not a piece in his games.” You go, unable to help yourself from spouting off a quote from _The Hunger Games_.

            Rafe looks at you as if you have grown an arm out of your forehead but doesn’t get to reply before the front door opens. You have prepared yourself for the sight of a butler or Mr. Adler.

            You aren’t expecting Nadine.

            Her hair is thrown up in a messy ponytail and she is wearing a baggy white t-shirt with an angry looking bunny on it.

            “Nadine.” Rafe goes, clearly surprised.

            “Rafe Adler,” She says with a grin before pulling you forward into the house, “Good, you’re here. When my dad dragged me here, I was hoping Rafe would bring you.”

            “Your excitement over seeing me is truly touching.” Rafe says dryly from behind the two of you.

            Nadine glances over her shoulder, “Well, I see you all the time. In fact, I dumped you.”

            You can see Rafe bristle at this and quickly try to defuse the situation, “How is it going?”

            “The same old, same old. Mr. Adler throws the big party, blah blah blah. I’m sure Rafe filled you in.”

            “Right. He mentioned the big Easter party his dad throws every year.” You say but you are a bit distracted because Nadine has led you into the living room.

            The manor had looked creepy on the outside. But the inside is all modern. The décor is minimalist and absolutely everything is state of the art. The windows are floor to ceiling, giving you a clear view of the massive pool.

            The Easter party is outside on the grounds. You can see people milling around. All of them seem to be dressed in their Sunday best – a far cry from Nadine’s jeans and shirt. You look down at your own clothes. When you left, you had thought your pale yellow dress with a white belt was really cute. Now, however, it feels more like you are a little girl attempting to play dress-up.

            As if sensing your thoughts, Rafe goes, “You look great.”

            “Thanks.” You reply, trying not to blush.

            “Alright, enough,” Nadine says, “Don’t want to vomit up the alcohol I’ve already been working my way through.”

            Rafe, fidgeting with the buttons on his dress shirt nervously, replies, “It isn’t even noon.”

            “It’s noon somewhere.” Nadine quips.

            You feel Mr. Adler before you actually see him. It is almost as if the room’s temperature drops. Rafe stiffens and Nadine lazily tilts her head to look at Mr. Adler. You aren’t quite sure what has gotten into Nadine today but you know she has been dealing with a lot of pressure to get back together with Rafe. Unlike Rafe, she doesn’t have a school to run off to and get away from Mr. Adler. She lives next door.

            “Father.” Rafe goes as Mr. Adler comes over.

            “Rafe, you’re here early for once,” His gaze shifts to you and you try not to show any fear on your face, “And you brought your little friend.”

            “She’s my girlfriend, dad.”

            “Is that so?” He lingers on the last word before turning to look at Nadine, “Your father is looking for you.”

            “Lucky me.” Nadine says and forces a smile on her face before turning and walking towards the patio.

            She glances over her shoulder and winks at you. Rafe sees this and makes a small grumbling noise. But even though you are amused by Nadine, you still keep your face neutral with Mr. Adler so close to you.

            “I have to admit that I didn’t think you were coming. You didn’t give me word until two days ago,” Mr. Adler’s tone is crisp, “You’re lucky I was able to get a plane sent for you.”

            “Yes, God forbid we would have had to take a regular flight to get here.” Rafe replies dryly.

            Taking a private plane to Mr. Adler’s house had been yet another new thing you had experienced in dating Rafe. It had secretly been very cool but you didn’t tell him that. You didn’t want him to think you liked anything Mr. Adler was handing the two of you.

            “You two should get out there and mingle. I know lots of people want to know how college is going.”

            Rafe reaches over and grabs your hand. His skin is clammy from nerves as he pulls you forward, past Mr. Adler, towards the patio doors. Even though you know you shouldn’t, you can’t help but look back.

            Mr. Adler is looking at you steadily but you can see the iron underneath his stare.

*

            An hour later, Rafe has been cornered by a group of young cousins. They have somehow gotten a pair of rabbit ears on him. The sight is comical and each time you laugh, you can see Rafe fight the urge to smile.

            However, the stress of the party and dodging Mr. Adler has left you with a wicked headache. You brought some medicine but it is in your overnight bag that has been taken to the guest room.

            “Let me come with you,” Rafe says when you tell him you are going to run to go get it, “In case you get lost.”

            “You showed me the room not even thirty minutes ago. The house isn’t a labyrinth. I can manage it. Besides,” You look over at one of the smallest cousins who is yanking on Rafe’s arm, telling him to help her look for eggs, “You’re busy here.”

            He nods although you can tell he doesn’t really care too much about helping his cousins with an Easter egg hunt. You weave your way through the small crowd and head back inside the manor. Cutting across the living room, you walk up the stairs to the second floor and go to the end of the hall.

            Originally, Mr. Adler had tried to tell Rafe that he was sleeping in his old room and you would be in the guest room. You considered that the first true test of how determined Rafe was at showing his dad he was with you and wasn’t going to deal with his shit any longer.

            He had refused to budge and took his own bag into the guest room, saying that he was sharing it with you. The look that Mr. Adler had given you upon leaving was not kind. The rage that he probably used to take physically out on his own son seemed to be boiling behind his eyes.

            The guest room overlooked the side gardens. Finding your headache pills, you take them quickly and look out the window. You still feel anxious. You tell yourself you just have to get through tonight and tomorrow and then you’ll be fine.

            But it is more than just that. Rafe will always have his father looming over him if he didn’t break free of his grasp. Could he do that this trip or would you always been feeling this anxious at his father’s manor – secretly afraid of Rafe slipping through your fingers?

            “Sometimes I need a moment too.”

            The hair on the back of your neck sticks up as you turn around to see Mr. Adler leaning against the doorway. In that moment, his similarities to his own son are striking. It feels as if you are staring at Rafe in the future.

            But then he takes a step inside the room and all similarities are gone. Instead, you are looking into Mr. Adler’s empty eyes as he looks you down.

            “The parties, the business meetings, they can all be so very overwhelming at times.”

            “Yes, I can imagine.” You reply, trying to keep your voice steady, as if you don’t feel like you are being cornered by a lion.

            Mr. Adler comes over to you, stopping to look out the window at the gardens. There is a foot in between the two of you but it feels as if he is looming over you, looking down at you as if you are a bug to squash.

            “Can you?” Is all he says.

            You don’t say anything back. You aren’t sure why he has followed you in here. Your tongue feels too large for your mouth from nerves.

            “What is it you want?” Mr. Adler finally says and turns to look at you.

            “Excuse me?”

            “What do you want? How much money are you looking for?”

            Confused, you go, “What?”

            Mr. Adler is losing his patience because he snaps, “Don’t play stupid with me. How much do you want? I’ve looked into you. I know you are at the school on a scholarship and that your family are barely middle class. I assume that is why you are with my son.”

            “You don’t assume I am with your son because I like him?”

            But he doesn’t seem to even hear you because he goes, “I know you are hoping you can marry him and be set for life. But I don’t need Rafe making a terrible decision because he has lost his head over you. Tell me what you want. I’ll write you a check. You can leave now.”

            As he glowers down at you, all you can do is gawk at him. You have a million different thoughts in your head. Anger – that he has apparently researched you and your family as if you were some sort of virus that needed to be figured out and removed. Sadness that he didn’t even think you were with Rafe because you liked him. Annoyance that he thinks he can just pay you off.

            But there is something else as well. A dawning realization that Mr. Adler is trying to pay you to go away because Rafe isn’t budging on giving you up. _He’s losing,_ you think with a jolt as you stare up at him. This is his last ditch attempt to work on you to go away. He thinks he can pay you to go away and Rafe will go back to Nadine.

            You feel bolstered by the fact that Mr. Adler just wants to pay you to go away. He can talk a big game but he’s ultimately, he is the one who is trying to be rid of you. For this reason, your fear just seemingly melts away.

            “No.”

            It is his turn to go, “What?”

            “No. I don’t want your money, Mr. Adler. I want to be with your son. You can offer me millions of dollars right now and I would say no. I don’t want your money or your family name or whatever else you have decided I want. I just want Rafe.”

            For the first time, surprise is on Mr. Adler’s face. Then his skin flushes and you can see his hands curl into fists.

            “What are you going to do, strike me?” You ask him brazenly, before pushing past him and going towards the door.

            Then you stop and turn around again. He is staring at you with an unreadable expression on his face.

            “You’re never touching Rafe again, do you understand?” You say to him; secretly glad your voice isn’t shaking.

            Then you walk out of the room, leaving Mr. Adler behind.

*

            Dinner has seemingly been set up to be as awkward as it can possibly get. After the guests leave, it is just you, Rafe, Mr. Adler, Nadine and Nadine’s father, Mr. Ross. Everyone is seated at the smaller dining room directly off of the main one.

            The conversation has been stilted and uncomfortable. Nadine is drunk much to the chagrin of her father. Mr. Adler is ignoring you completely. Rafe has his hand resting on your knee underneath the table. You had told him what had happened earlier with his dad and his mood has been dark ever since.

            “Once the school year ends, Rafe, I will be traveling overseas and I expect you to come with me.” Mr. Adler is saying.

            “Nadine and I will be coming along.” Her father says as he takes a sip of his wine.

            Nadine lurches forward awkwardly and lets out a drunken laugh, “I am not going overseas this summer.”

            You see Mr. Adler’s grip tighten on his fork. Poor guy. Everyone he thought he has been controlling so far is suddenly sick of his shit.

            Mr. Ross frowns, “What do you mean?”

            “I mean; I’m not going overseas. Neither is Rafe. Right?” She is sitting across from him and points her fork in his direction.

            “That’s right,” Rafe replies evenly, not glancing over at his dad, “I’m staying in the country for the summer.”

            “And doing what?”

            “I’m going on a road trip.”

            Mr. Adler lowers his fork and knife, staring at his son, “You’re doing what?”

            You can feel Rafe gripping your hand tightly now. The road trip is true. It had been Sam’s idea. For two weeks in the summer, you, Rafe, Sam, Nate and Elena are going cross country in a RV. It is going to be a debacle and you are definitely never going to want to hear anymore Beyoncé after Sam is done butchering all her music. But you can’t wait for the trip.

            “What? I want to come!” Nadine exclaims.

            “You can come along too.” You say quickly, thinking it might be fun.

            “You aren’t going on some cross country road trip,” Mr. Adler is sputtering, “You are coming with me.”

            “No, I’m not.” Rafe is saying firmly.

            “This is ridiculous!” Mr. Adler snaps, finally completely losing his cool, “You are going to listen to me and you are coming overseas! Both of you!” He turns to look at Nadine, “You are both coming overseas and you are both done butchering what we have planned for the two of you! Do you understand?!” He is screaming now and even Mr. Ross looks taken aback by the tantrum.

            Silence fills the room. Rafe isn’t breathing. It is as if he is just holding his breath, too afraid to speak or act. Mr. Adler is now looking at you but you don’t flinch under his stare. _He tried to get rid of you,_ you think to yourself, _and now his mask has slipped_.

            You are expecting Rafe to speak so you are surprised when it is Nadine who goes first.

            “Can I bring my girlfriend?”

            The words throw you off and you finally look away from Mr. Adler. Mr. Ross, who had been taking a sip of his wine, practically chokes on it.

            Rafe is the one who goes, “What?”

            “My girlfriend.” Nadine repeats, “Can I bring her overseas?”

            “What are you talking about?” Mr. Ross demands, turning to look at his daughter.

            Nadine sighs dramatically, “Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m gay. Can I bring my girlfriend on the overseas trip?”

            “Wait, you’re gay?” Rafe goes at the same time you helpfully go, “You can bring her on the road trip.”

            “You aren’t gay!” Her father goes.

            “Wait, did I turn you gay?” Rafe wonders aloud.

            You lean over and go, “You can’t turn someone gay.”

            Rafe’s brow furrows as if he is overthinking this new revelation as Mr. Adler totally flips his shit once again. As he starts yelling at Mr. Ross, the two men start to fight about Nadine being gay. Nadine looks bored and leans over, taking her father’s wine glass for herself.

            Rafe leans forward, ignoring his father, “Did I turn you gay?”

            “Don’t be a fucking idiot.” Nadine replies.

            “Remember when we fought on Valentine’s Day and I told you not everything orbits around you?” You whisper to him.

            He looks at you and goes, “Yeah?” and then it clicks, “Oh. Yeah. Sorry.” This apology is directed at Nadine.

            The three of you are ignoring Mr. Adler and Mr. Ross completely. The two men are shouting at each other now. Mr. Ross has gotten up and is pacing the room. You hear him mention something about no grandkids. Nadine appears unconcerned by the meltdown.

            “Who is your girlfriend?” You ask curiously.

            “Her name is Chloe Frazer. I’ll bring her on the road trip. It’ll be a blast.” Nadine grins wickedly.

*

            The dinner ends soon after that. Mr. Ross practically drags Nadine away from you after she gives you an overly friendly hug, just to drive the point home she is into women. You can hear Rafe grumble about her flirting with his girlfriend and then the two of you are alone with Mr. Adler.

            Mr. Adler has run his fingers through his hair so much that he finally looks a bit unkempt. He’s having a terrible Easter. Rafe swallows hard as he swings around to look at his son.

            “I want you gone tomorrow morning. Do you understand?” Mr. Adler says to you.

            “Fine.” Rafe goes.

            “Not you, idiot. The girl.” He gestures to you, as if it is your fault Nadine has come to terms with her sexuality.

            “She isn’t going anywhere without me.” Rafe says, grabbing your hand firmly.

            Mr. Adler goes up to him, “What is wrong with you? Why have you lost your mind over this stupid girl?”

            “She isn’t stupid,” Rafe says hotly, and you shove your own irritation down at being insulted like this, “And she’s not a ‘girl’. She isn’t going anywhere, dad. And you need me.”

            “Excuse me?”

            “You need me,” Rafe goes and he tilts his chin up to look his father in the eyes, “I’m the only one who understands the company. No one else can run it properly once you’re gone. But I swear to God, I will let it all burn to hell if you don’t stop being such a fucking asshole.”

            Mr. Adler is startled into silence. Even you are speechless.

            When he doesn’t respond, Rafe goes, “We’re leaving tomorrow morning.”

            Before he turns to leave the room, he stops. Then he is turning to face you. Before you can ask what Rafe is doing, he cups your face with his hands and is kissing you, right in front of his dad. You can feel yourself blushing under Mr. Adler’s glare. Rafe’s lips are soft and gentle.

            When the kiss ends, Rafe looks in your eyes before taking your hand again. Together, the two of you leave the room and head up the stairs, leaving Mr. Adler standing by himself.    


	9. Finals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With finals finally over, the school year is wrapping up. Even though you are finally with Rafe, you feel unsure of what the summer will bring you. You even can't help but worry about next year. You haven't discussed anything with Rafe and are worried that you will end the year not knowing of where you stand with him. How will your year as Rafe Adler's dorm mate end?

            “Wake up!”

            “What?” You mumble and open your eyes.

            Above you, the sky crisscrossed with the branches of the tree you have fallen asleep under. You remember finishing final exams and promptly falling asleep here. Propping yourself up, you rub your eyes.

            “Did you really fall asleep down here?” Elena asks with a grin.

            “Yeah, I was just so relieved to be finished with finals. I think all the stress drained out of my body and I just had to fall asleep on the spot. Do I look weird?”

            “You always look weird,” She jokes as she sits down next to you and hands you a coffee she must have snagged from the dining hall, “But no, I don’t think anyone cares. Everyone is sort of acting as if they are losing their minds.”

            “Thanks,” You say as you take the coffee from her and look around, “Guess you have a point.” You say, looking in the direction of someone wearing a t-shirt that just says **FREEDOM** in bold letters as they try to twerk with their friends across the courtyard.

            “Celebratory twerking. Why didn’t we think of that?” Elena quips before taking a sip of her coffee.

            “Feels odd the school year is over.” You admit.

            She leans back against the trunk of the tree. The summer has fully settled in. Around you, the courtyard is vibrant in colour and you can smell the different flowers that have bloomed. You leave in a couple of days to go back home.

            “Really odd. Going to be weird not dealing with the insanity of seeing Nate every day.” She says a bit wistfully.

            “Yeah, but he’s coming by to visit, right? And then we have the road trip.”

            “What about you? Are you seeing Rafe this summer?”

            “We haven’t discussed it.” You admit.

            “I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Everyone with eyes can see how much he adores you.” Her phone buzzes right then as she pulls it out of her pocket, “Oh, I told Nate I’d help him pack. Sam is supposed to help but I’m sure it’ll just be a mess.”

            “Sam seems like he’d be great at packing. Completely organized.” You joke.

            “Oh yeah,” Elena replies dryly, “Probably would put a pack of cigarettes in an overnight bag and consider it a job well done.”

            She gets to her feet, “You’re coming by tonight, right?”

            “Yeah, definitely.”

            Tonight is the end of the year fireworks show. You hadn’t heard of any other college doing that recently but your college has always been a bit different. Getting to your feet, you let out another yawn, grateful for the coffee Elena has brought you.

            As you head back to the dorm, your mind drifts to the thought of Rafe. The two of you haven’t discussed the summer at all. You know that he is coming on the road trip. But is he going back to his father’s place the rest of the time? Your parents want to meet Rafe but bringing him home to deal with the insanity of your regular life seems like the quickest way to scare him off.

            Not to mention that next year, the two of you won’t be roommates. A mix-up like that won’t occur again. Whatever poor soul ends up with Rafe as a roommate will probably drop out. Although you have to admit you secretly hope it is Nate. The two of them trying to live together would be a comedic gem. For everyone but the two of them, of course.

            When you step into the dorm room, you see Rafe standing in front of his bed. He has clothes perfectly placed on the bed and a suitcase open besides it. His hair is slicked back, as usual, and he is wearing a thin black t-shirt.

            In spite of your best efforts, you are checking him out. Even though you have slept with Rafe what feels like a thousand times since you two began to date, usually trying to be as quiet as possible in his bed in the middle of the night, you still can’t help but trace the outline of his buff arms and his fit chest.

            “What are you doing?” You ask, tossing your bag down on your bed which is covered with textbooks and more sketchpads than you actually need.

            “Trying to pack.”

            “Alright but why are you staring at it as if it is some puzzle to be sorted out?” You go over to him and look down at his bed.

            Rafe finally drags his eyes away from his precious clothing and looks at you, “I’m trying to figure out if I want to pack it by colour, by article of clothing or maybe by colour _and_ article of clothing.”

            You blink, “I just sort of shoved mine in the suitcase and then sat on it until I got it shut.”

            At this, Rafe smiles. It is one of those rare smiles from him where it reminds you of the sun breaking through the clouds, as cheesy as that sounds. He wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you close. That comforting scent of clean laundry and cologne washes over you as he leans down and kisses you.

            The touch of his lips against yours makes your heart flutter. You should be used to his kisses by now. But you aren’t. Every time he kisses you, it is as if a firework show goes off in your head.

            Even with the firework show this time, you still have a nagging emotion in the back of your mind. It takes you a few seconds to pinpoint what it is – fear. You are still nervous what the end of the year will bring for the two of you.

            Rafe ends the kiss, still smiling, and goes, “Well, we can’t all be such quick thinkers like yourself.”

            “I guess so.” You say, pushing the worry from your mind.

            The last thing you want to do is be concerned for the future and ruin the last night in school. Rafe is your boyfriend. You tell your anxiety to take a hike. But, of course, it isn’t that simple. It seems to wiggle its way into your heart and brain and start to put up a tent.

            “Will you be ready in time for tonight?” You ask, even though you just want to ask him what he is doing for the summer – you had thought he would tell you and now here you are, with school ending and you have no idea.

            “Yeah. Actually,” He looks down at his watch, the only person you know who wears a watch, “I have to go meet Sam. I’ll finish this up later. I’ll see you tonight, alright?”

            “Oh, yeah, sure.” You say, blinking in surprise. You had thought the two of you would have arrived together.

            “I’ll text you when I get there. We can meet up.” Rafe says and you nod in agreement.

            The door shuts behind him and you plop down on the bed. Ugh, you are already sick of yourself and it isn’t even night time yet. Perhaps you should have just asked Rafe what his plans were for the summer instead of just assuming he would have told you. But as more time passed and the subject wasn’t ever broached, it felt odder to bring it up.

            What if Rafe just assumed that the two of you would see each other at the road trip and then meet up back at school? As far as you know, Rafe hadn’t spoken to his father since he told him off at Easter. Nadine had texted you a few times to tell you that Mr. Adler had dropped the idea of her magically turning straight and going back to Rafe.

            You close your eyes, count to ten, and shove the thoughts out of your brain. You have tonight to get ready for. That is all that you should be focusing on. Forcing yourself to try to stop worrying, you stand up to get ready.

*

            The campus grounds in the back of school are crowded. It feels as if the entire school has turned out for the fireworks. In front of you are the mountains that you have sketched a thousand times over the last year.

            Fireflies dart around the sky. With the stars twinkling down on everyone, you are lost in thought until you hear a smacking noise.

            “I’m getting eaten alive.”

            You turn your head to see Nate smacking another mosquito away from him. His brow is creased in concertation as he hits another one away from his face.

            “Honestly, they find you delicious. You’re being eaten alive tonight.” You say to him.

            “Good thing Elena ran back for bug spray.” Nate remarks as he ducks away from another one.

            You mumble a reply as you check your phone again. Still no text from Rafe. The fireworks are supposed to start in ten minutes and there is no sign of him. You can’t help but feel antsy. You aren’t sure what you are going to think if he doesn’t show up.

            “Here, I got it.” Elena’s voice cuts through your mental fog.

            You look up to see her handing the bug spray to Nate who practically begins to bathe himself in it. The crowd that has formed around you begins to thin out as they shoot daggers at Nate.

            “You probably should have done that away from everyone.” Elena remarks, raising an eyebrow.

            “Yeah, little brother. You’re going to choke everyone out.”

            It is Sam who has spoken. He is by Elena’s side with a cigarette lit, resting between his lips. You are instantly looking around for Rafe but he isn’t to be seen.

            “Me? You’re the one giving everyone cancer.” Nate says as he applies too much bug spray to his neck.

            “What? It’s second hand. The cancer isn’t nearly as bad from second hand smoke.”

            “Uhm, I don’t think that’s true.” Elena points out before snatching the bug spray away from Nate, “Alright, I’m cutting you off.”

            “Well, come on, we can move up since literally no one wants to be around us.” Nate goes, moving forward and dragging Elena with him.

            You go to follow but it is Sam who grabs your arm, “Hey, the big oak tree. Go there.”

            Confused, you go, “What?”

            “Rafe is there for you.” Sam says and he winks before sauntering past you.

            You turn around, darting back the way Sam and Elena had come. The oak tree is closer to campus which will probably be more secluded at this point. As the crowd thins, you can see the oak tree. It is outside of your dorm building and there is only one person underneath it.

            Hurrying over to Rafe, you stop and try to slow your pace. Talk about looking overly excited. He is leaning against the tree trunk, looking up at the sky. He must sense you arriving because he looks down and over at you.

            “Hey. Sam told you? Finally, one time this year, he does something right.” Rafe goes.

            “Not fair. He tolerated you all year, didn’t he?” You joke.

            He smiles at you and goes, “Sorry that I’m late. The drive took longer than I was expecting.”

            Frowning, you go, “You went to town?”

            Rafe nods, “Had to pick something up.”

            Before you can ask what it was, his fingers wrap around yours. Pulling you close, he tilts your face up and kisses you gently on the lips. But you don’t feel the normal shiver you usually do. Instead, you untangle yourself from his hold and feel flustered.         

            Rafe looks concerned, “Are you okay?”

            “I’m just – I’m being stupid, I’m sorry. But I’m just really nervous about – what comes after this?”

            “The fireworks?” He asks confused.

            “No, not the fireworks. Well. Technically, yes. The fireworks. I just mean – when school is over. We haven’t discussed it at all. Are you going back home? Are we meeting up at all during the summer besides the road trip? Are you going to be okay back at your father’s? And next year – what happens then? What if we aren’t rooming together and you just realize…” Your voice finally dies and you look away from Rafe, feeling exposed.

            “Realize what?” Rafe says quietly, taking a step towards you, “What? That I don’t feel the way I do about you?”

            You don’t reply because you feel as if you are going to cry. You curse yourself for being this lame. Aren’t you not supposed to corner your boyfriends and have them open up like this? You can’t even remember anymore.

            “I didn’t bring up the summer because I assumed what we would be doing.” Rafe says to you.

            You look up and try to blink your tears away, “What?”

            “I’m going to be with my dad for a little bit but I wanted to ask if you wanted to come with me. To wherever you want. I mean, I have the money. We can go to anywhere you want.” He brushes a lock of your hair away from your cheek and goes, “Hey, don’t cry. I’m sorry I didn’t bring it up. I should have brought it up.”

            “I feel so stupid for not asking you.” You say, trying not to cry.

            “Don’t feel stupid!” Rafe sounds alarmed now, “I should have made it clear that I want to spend the summer with you. Wherever you want.”

            You hiccup from holding tears back before going, “I just want to go home.”

            It is true. You haven’t seen your family at all this year due to everything going on with Rafe. While you loved being around him, you want to see your family too. You aren’t sure how he will take this. He has just offered to take you anywhere in the world and you just want to go back home.

            But he just smiles at this, “Then, we’ll go home. As long as your parents wouldn’t mind meeting the man who kept their daughter from them all year.”

            You smile, furiously wiping the tears from your eyes before going, “I think they’ll be okay.”

            Rafe pulls you close against him. You can feel the study beating of his heart underneath your fingertips. How many times this year have you felt this heart beat? Halloween, New Year’s Eve, countless times since then have you felt the comforting beat of his heart.

            “We don’t know what the future will hold,” Rafe whispers in your ear, “But we’ll take it as it comes. We got through this year, right? Now look where we are. So don’t worry about next year. I think we have a handle on anything that happens.”

            His words comfort you and he kisses the top of your head. You know the fireworks are going to start soon but you have one last question.

            “What did you go to town for?” You ask.

            “Oh. This. I ordered it after Easter.” He is rummaging for something in his pocket and pulls out a small box.

            Your breath catches at the sight and you go, “Rafe, uh, I’m not quite ready for that step…”

            “What?” It is his turn to look embarrassed now, “No. Sorry, no, it isn’t…”

            He fumbles for words and instead opens the box. Inside is a beautiful necklace. It is on a gold chain and the charm is a perfect replica of the mountains on campus.

            “I had it custom made. I know you like sketching the mountains here. I thought you might miss them this summer,” Rafe is nervous now, rambling, “So I got the charm done out of diamonds. Uh, Sam originally suggested your name which didn’t make sense to me. You know your name, right? So I was thinking my name but I was worried you would think I meant it in some sort of…uhm, Joker and Harley Quinn way of branding and I didn’t –”

            “I love it.” You cut him off swiftly, running your finger over the charm, “It’s beautiful.”

            Rafe exhales slowly and then smiles, “Great.”

            “Help me clasp it?”

            You turn around as Rafe places the necklace around your neck and clasps it. It rests against your skin and you rub the charm between your fingers, unable to keep the dopey smile off your face.

            “There’s something else too.” Rafe says and you turn around to face him.

            “What?” You ask.

            “This year didn’t go how I was expecting it. I think it didn’t for you either. Between rooming together and not getting along and my father…how I treated you earlier…” He runs his fingers through his hair nervously.

            “It didn’t but –”

            “I love you.”

            Your words are cut short in your mouth as your eyes widen. Rafe is looking at you but he is fidgeting. This morning you had been worried about what the two of you were going to doing this summer. Now, not only do you have answers, and a beautiful gift, but words you never thought you would hear from Rafe Adler.

            “I love you too.” You reply simply.

            For the second time that night, Rafe exhales in relief, “Really?”

            “No, I’m lying. Take this necklace back.”

            “Don’t tease me.” He says with a laugh and then he is kissing you.

            This kiss is full of promise – of the future, of the summer, of whatever the next school year will bring. It is brimming with other things as well – the past, which isn’t easily forgotten, of wounds which still have to heal, and of the progress the two of you will make together.

*

            A few minutes later, you, Rafe, Elena, Nate, and Sam are all lying on the grass, looking up at the fireworks. The air around you smells like bug spray and cigarettes but it has made anyone else wanting to be near you group stay away.

            As a purple firework explodes in the sky, you hear Elena mumble something to Nate. Whatever it is makes him laugh. On your other side, Rafe is holding your hand, smiling and looking up at the sky. Sam is next to him, lighting up another cigarette and jokingly offering it to Rafe.

            Rafe must feel your eyes on him because he turns to look at you. You smile at him, feeling as if every nerve is alive with the knowledge that he loves you. As another boom of fireworks explode over your heads, he squeezes your hand.

            “Guess I’m stuck with you.” Rafe Adler says, echoing words from what feels like a lifetime ago.

            “Guess I’m stuck with you.” You reply.

            Together, your group remains on the grass, watching the firework show illuminate the sky, as the summer stars shine down on you.

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Dissonance Between Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8011222) by [drakesandmarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drakesandmarvel/pseuds/drakesandmarvel)




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